Funny Stories

The scene of the crime

Introduction

“Clifton! You have to get out here, something big is happening!” I yelled as I burst through the front door.

“Pipe down, Author,” the detective commanded in the calmest of manners. “Tell me, what is it that intrigues you so?”

“I don’t know, but there is a huge crowd gathering right outside your house-”I paused in expectancy of Clifton’s change in expression due to excitement, but it never came. “And… Big crowds have got to mean something-” Clifton didn’t budge. In eagerness to satisfy my curiosity, I dragged Clifton with me through the crowd where we arrived at the scene of the crime.

Murder

What could he be possibly trying to signal?

Lying on the floor staring straight at us was a man who looked like he was in deep pain. With his face cringed, he actively pointed at what looked like a stick protruding out of where all the blood was oozing out of his body. Everyone was puzzled at what the man was trying to signal. Everyone but Clifton.

“Make way,” Clifton demanded, “I’m a detective.”

The fan-girls fainted upon setting eyes on Clifton as he busied himself about the man. With quick wits, Clifton checked for the man’s pulse. After procuring sufficient data, the detective pulled out a knife from his pocket before systematically inserting and removing the knife at numerous areas on the man’s body, with the man all the while pointing at the stick-like object with diminishing intensity. Clifton then proceeded to check for the man’s pulse again before arming himself with an injector filled with a white liquid and injecting it into the man’s body. I watched in admiration as I observed the genius at work. It was truly an honour to be the sidekick of the town’s most prestigious detective.

“It appears that the man is dead.” Clifton proclaimed. The crowd gasped in symphony.

“And the murder weapon is in fact this knife stuck in the man’s body.” Clifton forcefully removed what I once thought was a stick from the man’s chest, revealing a knife. Another gasp rippled through the crowd.

“I would have never guessed!” A bystander commented in amazement. Indeed, Clifton never fails to amaze us with his clairvoyant abilities.

“I’m afraid we will have to do a thorough investigation,” Clifton suggested. “But for now, we must nourish ourselves with lunch. It is already noon! After all, the body will not be going anywhere.”

With that convincing argument, the crowd dispersed trampling over the fainted fan-girls adding to the total corpse count. All except for one man, Mr. Jabs, who stood petrified at the sight of his dear friend’s death.

“Please, detective Clifton, you have to find the murderer.” The poor man pleaded on his knees as he grabbed Clifton’s arms. “John was my best friend… Even though he murdered my wife just yesterday.”

Clifton gently shoved Mr Jabs aside. “Rest assured ancient citizen, the murderer will most definitely be brought to justice for detective Clifton is on the case.”

The old man spent a little more time begging Clifton before we decided that we were wasting too much time. We quickly got rid of him with the help of a little tranquillizing dart and then headed for lunch.

Clue

Clifton and I were confabulating about issues unrelated to the murdered man over lunch when we were rudely interrupted by two policemen. With a tap on Clifton’s shoulder, one of the policeman abruptly ended our conversation and started a new one of his own.

“Detective Clifton, we hear that you are going to be investigating the death of the late John Black.” The policeman affirmed.

“Your sources are reliable, constables.” Clifton answered.

A visual image of the note in the pocket of John's coat.

The policeman then reached into his pocket to pull out a note. “Well, we found this note in the pocket of John Black’s coat and we believe that it is a vital clue pertaining to the man’s murder.” He then began to expound the note:

Dear John, I regret to inform you that due to the recent plummet in crime rate, I am on the verge of being out of my job. This and the fact that I currently owe you a million dollars has put me in a rather uncomfortable financial burden. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that you will have to die in order for me to continue earning money as a detective and on a milder note, so that I will not be in a million-dollar debt. With that said, I am writing to invite you to a party at the dark alley beside my house where nobody can see you as you are being murdered. I hope to see you there!

Clifton then took a few seconds to digest the information before coming up with a meaningful hypothesis.

“From the note, we can safely draw three key points.” Clifton explained: “One, the murderer is in a pathetic financial state. Two, the murderer lied when he said it was a party. And three, the police is doing a good job in keeping the crime rate under control.”

The policemen stood jaw wide-open in awe at Clifton’s immaculate hypothesis. Being Clifton’s proud sidekick, I then tried to add in a few words of my own, “Hey, you missed something. At the bottom of the note, it reads ‘With kind regards, Clifton‘. Does that mean anything?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

Fortunately, the policeman cut into our awkward dialogue by adding a comment of his own. “Very well, detective. We trust that the case is safe in your hands.”

“Also, to help you in your investigation, we have brought in a prime suspect for questioning.” The other policeman said as he dragged a person with his upper-body wrapped in a plastic bag. “We suspect his involvement in the murder of John Black on account of his possession of weapons similar to that of the murder weapon.”

“We found him hiding such weapons in his kitchen’s cabinet.” The policeman added. “We hope that he would be of use to you.” With that, the two policeman took off as swiftly as they came in.

“That was sudden.” I proclaimed. “What do we do with this person?” I then questioned as I pointed at the person struggling to remove the plastic bag that was restraining his movements.

“First, we remove the bag.” Clifton suggested. And that we did, but what we uncovered beneath the plastic mess would change our lives forever.

Suspect

As we unbagged the parcel left to us by the police, the shape of the creature became progressively distinct until we can fully make out it’s bodily features. Then we uncovered the strangest, most peculiarly obnoxious creature wrapped in the piece of plastic- it was a human! And not just any human. It was a human man!

“Oh my god! It is a man!” I shrieked in shock.

Clifton, in his usual composed state, unhurriedly approached the man. “Have you the faintest idea why you are here?” Clifton inquired.

The ol' back street. The place where all good happens.

“I dunno…” The anonymous man appeared dazed. “I was helpin’ me self to some of em’ hospital alcohol in the ol’ back street when those damn coppers showed up. Boy were they cranky. The coppers were nabbing all of em’ alcohol provider when the alcohol kicked in. Next thin’ I knew, it was all black and I couldn’t move any o’ me arms.”

“Ah, clinical alcohol… Good stuff, I hear.” Clifton claimed.

“Aiyee.” The man confirmed. “I still have some of em’ here up for some sharin’ if you wanna. Hell, I’d throw in some of em’ pills, too.”

“Let’s see what you’ve got.” Clifton agreed. That simple yet elegant sentence then sparked a day-long party centred about alcohol and drugs.

After hours of sobering up, Clifton decided it was time to begin politely questioning our party buddy. *Ahem* Clifton cleared his throat in order to grab our attention before making eye contact with the suspect we attained from the policemen. “Did you kill John Black?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

It was then when the still-unnamed man took notice of the note that the policemen left us. ” ‘With kind regards, Clifton‘, eh?” The man raised an eyebrow.

At that moment, the same two policemen barged into our conversation once again. “Detective, we have a problem. The body is missing.”

“Null that. We just received an update. Old man Gobbert has the body. Apparently he is trying to get rid of it.” The other policeman affirmed.

“We have to stop him. Come, Author.” Clifton directed. He then took a glance at the unfortunately still unnamed man before once again speaking. “This man has severe neuropsychiatric and mental instability, it is advisable to put him in a position where professional aid is easily accessible.”

“…What?”

“Get him to the Mental Hospital. Take him away, boys.” Clifton mandated.

The human man, still high on drugs, was then dragged away by the two policemen. “Hahaha! You’ll neva’ get away wit’ this, you murderer. Neva’, I say. Neva! Haha! HAHAHAHA!”

…

“It was rather regrettable we never got to know the name of such a good hippie with drugs, but it is all part and parcel of the life of a private eye, isn’t it, Clifton?” I stated.

Clifton dodged my meaningless question, “Moving on… We have to find out what in the world Mr Gobbert is doing with the corpse.”

Doughnuts

As we drove around the town randomly in hopes of finding the dead body, we wound up at the old man’s house where we saw Gobbert digging a huge hole at his backyard.

“Wow, that hole looks like it is big enough to fit a man.” I commented. “Just big enough to fit in that corpse behind him.”

“A very deductive statement you hypothesised.” Clifton praised. “The only thing you missed is that that corpse behind him is the body of the late John. But one has to question- why is Mr Gobbert, the man who has hated John since his childhood, be bent on getting rid of the body? Could he be the murderer?”

Once again, Clifton’s brilliant questions got me thinking, but I couldn’t take the weight of such a heavy question. My body started heating up and I began to perspire profusely. My head was starting to crack. Every muscle in my body was twitching as if to tell me to get out of this uncomfortable position. I was starting to break down. “Boy, doughnuts would sure come in handy in times like this.” I murmured to myself.

Clifton has solved the mystery!

“Doughnuts! That’s it, Author! Doughnuts!” Clifton yelled in excitement, as if he has managed to solve the case. “Get the doughnuts and meet me at the Mental Hospital at 1000 hours. Remember to get the doughnuts. It is very important that you do. Now, step on it!”

As confused as I was, Clifton’s stirring speech ignited a burning passion within me and I was ready to do my part in solving the case. With as much strength as I could muster, I slammed my right foot onto the pedal. “OUCH!” I screamed. Alas, I was in the passenger’s seat and I had unintentionally stepped on my left foot instead.

Clifton stared at me with a puzzled expression. “What are you doing? You don’t have time to waste with self-inflicted injuries. Get out of the car. You’re making your way there by foot.”

And thus began my journey to solve the mystery of the murder of John Black.

Indie Investigation

Making my way halfway across town towards the doughnut shop, I kept myself occupied by asking myself three questions that I could find no answer to- Why does Clifton need the doughnut? How is the doughnut related to solving the case? Is Mr Gobbert the murderer?

When I finally arrived at the doughnut shop at approximately 0800 hours, I realised that I didn’t know which flavour of doughnut Clifton needed. With quick wits, I decided that I’d buy one of everything available in the shop.

“Wow, I haven’t had anyone buy so many doughnuts since Mr Jabs. What’s the occasion?” The shopkeeper commented.

“Nah, it’s nothing… Just a little crime solving.” I boasted. “What was it about Mr Jabs you were saying again?” I asked casually.

The shopkeeper giggled before answering my question, “Mr Jabs frequents this store very often and orders the doughnuts in huge bulks all the time too. The amount of work I have to put in to get the all the doughnuts ready is humongous, almost murderous”

‘Murderous, huh…’ I thought to myself. ‘Jabs. Murderous. Doughnuts.’ It was all starting to make sense to me.

I have solved the mystery!!!

“That’s it! Mr Jabs is the murderer of John Black!” I bellowed. “I have to report this to Clifton immediately!”

I told the shopkeeper to put it on the tabs before rushing out of the store to catch the first taxi I saw.

The doughnuts, the Jabs, the murder, everything seemed to fall into place so nicely. So that was why Clifton wanted me to get the doughnuts, to set the stage for me to solve the case. However, in spite of the euphoria of solving the case all by myself, I know that my part to play wasn’t over yet. I may have solved the case, but I have yet to convey my realisation to Clifton.

Clifton Finally Closes the Case

When I arrived at the Mental Hospital, I saw that the everyone has already been gathered at the lounge awaiting my arrival. Mr Jabs, Gobbert, the unnamed man (now clothed in a straight jacket) and the usual two conversation-cutting policemen were all seated in a circle, leaving an empty seat in middle for me.

“Take a seat, Author.” Clifton gestured, “Now, I suppose we all know why we’re all gathered here today.” Everyone in attendance nodded their heads slightly in reaction to Clifton’s statement.

Clifton continued, “As we all know, the murder of John Black is still largely a mystery thus far. Let us present all the clues available to us: John was killed at approximately 0400 hours on Wednesday morning. The murder weapon was without a doubt a 26cm knife, and was delivered with a stab to the centre of the chest. However, the autopsy on John’s body also concludes that there was a potentially fatal amount of Potassium Cyanide in John’s body which would have otherwise killed him had he still been alive after being stabbed in the chest. Compiling all these clues, I have drawn that the murderer oh John Black is amongst us. And the murderer is…”

I shot a cold glance at the direction of Mr Jabs before standing up and shouting, “Mr Jabs!”

Clifton looked puzzled. “No he’s not. You are the murderer.”

“B-but, the doughnuts, and the Jabs, and the murder. He has got to be the murderer!” I argued. “Wait, what? I’m the murderer?”

“Oh, the doughnuts are for me. I have yet to thank you for that. Thank you.” Clifton shoved a piece of paper into my hands discreetly and placed a microphone in front of me. “Anyway, you have to stick to the script!”

As I held out the piece of paper on one hand, I began to read into the microphone from the piece of paper, “Indeed, it is I, Author, who have murdered John in the early morning of Wednesday. I was in a pathetic financial state and decided to lie about having a party in order to kill John. Also, the police is doing a good job in keeping crime under control.”

Everyone was dumbstruck. Clifton then prevaricated in awe, “He hit all three of the key points I drew up from the murder note. Why, I never.”

Dumb detective.

Clifton winked at me. I went on reading the rest of the writing on the piece of paper. “Yes, and I would’ve gotten away with it too, if not for you meddling kids, and that dumb detective.” The two policemen then began to home in on me with handcuffs.

“With that murder confession in place, I declare this case closed.” Clifton pronounced. “Goodbye, Author.”

Thus closed the chapter of the mysterious murder of John Black.

-THE END-

Contrary to popular belief, money is not in abundance. In fact, the supply of money is steadily decreasing with the burning of money during recession and made worse with rapid deforestation; as more humans decide to kill forest animals with machines, more trees are lost, and hence less money can be printed. With such a huge problem in the present world, economists, physicists, inspiring businessmen and intelligent people have banded together to come up with a wise, ground-breaking philosophy of life: Sàving Monéy^tm.

Saving Money in everyday life

Take a step into the machine of Saving Money

Walking

Sure, walking might seem like a simple task that just about anyone who has a life does, but what exactly is walking in terms of the philosophy of Saving Money? In accordance to the intelligent philosophy, we must always walk on machines, or rather, let the machines walk us. By doing so, we would be Saving Money. For example, by walking on a walkalator, we would be spending less energy walking and hence we would need less food to cover up for our energy loss. As a predicted result, we would then be Saving Money (on food).

Eating

Buying food in bulks is a fundamentalist policy of Saving Money as illustrated in the experimental sale of chocolates as shown below.

100g of chocolate costs $2, or $0.02/g
300g of chocolate costs $4.50, or $0.015/g
500g of chocolate costs $6, or $0.012/g

The mathematics of "it doesn't matter what answer you get as long as it is palindromic"

By exploiting this loophole of decreasing price, it is theoretically possible that by purchasing a reasonably large amount of chocolate, the discount in the price of the chocolate would offset the original price of the chocolate and hence creating a glitch in the overall price of the chocolate- $0/g of chocolate. But how much would you actually have to purchase? Hired mercenaries have concluded that we would have to purchase 581,010,185kg of chocolates to be able to successfully carry out Saving Money as proven by the below equation.

kg = ∫[√(π+x)-x/x] + (x^x/x)
kg = 581,010,185

Stealing

Stealing is a daily activity often overlooked in everyday life in the aspect of Saving Money. As much as authorities and nerds would tell you stealing doesn’t pay, the all-knowing Saving Money philosophy says otherwise. By stealing, one would be killing two birds with one stone. First of all, you’d be getting off with free money from the bank and therefore Saving (more) Money than you can spend. Secondly, you’d be legally guaranteeing yourself free housing for the rest of your life, therefore Saving Money on your housing rents.

Conclusion

Although practical examples have not been played out, success is nevertheless possible in the future. We can only believe that when success arrives, it would come free, and hence Sàving Monéy^tm.

So you want to be a Superhero? Well, you can't.

So you want a way to rise up, to get back at all the evil bullies who gave you wedgies in the past, to finally grab the attention of the girl you’ve had a crush on since you were eight, and as an added bonus, get a really cool nickname? So you want to be a Superhero? Well, you can’t. Being a Superhero isn’t as easy as it might seem, it isn’t all fun and games as you might think. But with my guidance, even you may have the chance of becoming a tiny fraction of what I am.

Super prerequisites

As much as you might whine and despise your life because of this fact, superpower is a must for superheroics. Let’s look at some of the possible ways to gain superpowers:

Be born with superpowers

This is the easiest form of gaining Superhero status. Sadly, however, this method is only available to the minority of the earthly population. To gain superpowers through this means you have to either have parents who have serious genetic defects that attribute to superpowers, or, like Superman, you must come from another planet.

This is what you'd be doing for the majority of your pre-Superhero life if you ever want to be a Superhero.

Gain superpowers

Superpowers can be gained even if you are not born with one. Gaining superpowers is the thing of the 21st century. By merely spending most of your life experimenting with chemicals and ingesting them daily, you are sure to gain superpowers one way or the other.

Fortunately for the majority of the population who thrives to be a Superhero, there are other alternatives to superheroics than risking your life to gain superpowers.

Gain divine powers

This involves bribing certain soon-to-be fallen angels to lend you their powers but is usually granted by coming back to life after dying.  But then again, this isn’t very reliable because it involves you dying first, and there is no guarantee you’ll be able to come back. Then again, it seems to be the most effective method of granting powers of certain death to the majority of the idiots.

Be a billionaire

Finally, the most realistic form of gaining Superhero status. This method is most accessible to the majority- becoming filthy rich. In order to become a Superhero through this method, you’d first have to inherit wealth from your murdered billionaire parents. However, although ‘murdered parents’ may well be in your league, ‘billionaire’ is probably out of your reach. On the bright side, there are many other ways to gain wealth. If your parents are billionaires, turn them into murdered parents. If your parents are not, then rob a bank. You are going to be a Superhero for the sake of the world. The bank would never mind making such a small sacrifice for a Superhero.

Damsel in distress

The thing that separates the proficient Superheroes from the sub-par posers: damsels in distress. But how exactly do you go about finding a damsel in the first place?

It is damsels such as her which makes a Superhero what he really is.

Finding your damsel

It is very important that you pick your damsel carefully as she’ll be the one who you will be stalking for pretty much most of your superheroic time. As a guideline, your damsel would have to be either married or currently in a relationship with another man, nothing else really matters. It is against your moral codes? Too bad, this is what it takes to be a Superhero. Superman and Spiderman has been there, done that. If you want to be anything like them, then you’d just have to suck it up.

Putting your damsel in distress

Yes, although finding your damsel might be within your capabilities, finding her in distress may not. You might have stalked her for years and found that she has never been distress. She pays careful attention not to walk into any dark alleys at night or flaunt her possessions in public, just like any citizen in the right mind would. But that isn’t very good for you; you are a Superhero! And you can’t be a Superhero without having to save a damsel. But you can easily fix that. With your superpowers, command thugs on the street to attack your damsel. Have your minions put your damsel in distress for you. This is what being a Superhero is all about.

You'd be facing plenty of such signs if you ever choose the nickname 'Invisibleman'.

Super nickname

Every Superhero needs a nickname, it is what gives them a super identity – the brand of justice. As a general rule, a Superhero nickname goes by the following formula: (noun/adjective)man. Superheroes by the likes of Superman, Batman and even Spiderman have come to be successful after following this formula.  However, the 21st century opens a wider possibility of nicknames. Unorthodox super nicknames such as ‘Ghostrider’ have proven to be fairly superheroic. Also, take note that whatever nickname you decide on, you’d have to have a matching costume, so it is not a very wise idea to choose nicknames such as ‘Invisibleman’

Making your name known

It is very important that you let your name be known. After spending countless hours thinking up your name, it is all useless if nobody gets to hear of it. This is usually done by nabbing bank robbers but that would not be very likely as, other than exceptional idiots such as yourself, nobody would rob a bank. However, despots like you have other alternatives. You can be the one robbing the bank. As ironic as it might sound, you have to do that to save the bank; by being known to the public, desperate idiots would think twice before they rob the bank.

"You are now a Superhero."

Near Future

Indeed, you may now be staring at the four walls of the prison cell, or being tortured in hell, but no matter what the situation, you must always remember that you are now (at least in your mind) a Superhero. Congratulations.

Hey Scrin, I haven’t seen you in a while so I thought I should write to, you know, ‘catch up’. Uhh… Yes, that’s it- I just wanted to catch up.

Amy looks so cool. Looked so cool.

Is your car gone?

Anyway, you know your car? Yeah, that red Merce you call Amy. Have you noticed that it has been, like, absent recently? It seems like it is no longer in your garage any more. You know, that’s interesting because I noticed it is missing too. I mean, this is so mysterious. It should be one of the 7 wonders of the world. Well, about that… You see, there has been this mix-up which resulted in your car being lost and I had a very small, minute part to play in it’s disappearance. Well, yeah, maybe it was kind of like partly my fault and stuff. Kind of.

I decided to borrow your car for a little while

I really didn’t mean for it to happen. My friends and I were out drinking when Dave thought: “Hey, let’s go, like, drink driving, man. That has got to be, like, cool.” We were just about to drop that thought because we didn’t have a car when I sort of suggested that we could borrow your car. I mean, we are such good buds’, aren’t we? So we went to your place and we wanted to ask you if we could borrow your car, but it was 2am in the morning and you were all asleep and stuff. In the end, we decided that we should just borrow it and tell you about it later.

Oh yeah, your garage door was faulty and we couldn’t open it. It was like it was locked or something. But don’t worry about that, we fixed that up real good for you. Well, it was kind of my idea to blow it up. But yeah, you don’t have to thank me for it. It’s all cool. Oh, and your car couldn’t make it’s way out of the door. The door was too narrow apparently. How do you get your car out of that place anyway? Well, you don’t have to worry about that any more, we fixed that too.

Look at how cool lions are. You know what would be even cooler? Yes, a lion in a car!

I decided to pick up a lion

Since your car is cool and all, I thought I should let a lion ride with us cool kids. I mean, having the king of the jungle ride in your car would give it so much more cool points. Well, we know you’d be too much of a coward to do it so we helped you bring the lion in. Since it is your car and all, I’ll let you brag about it in school. But only this once. Anyway, the lion was so cool. It was roaring and stuff, and it even tried to attack us. In fact, it sort of did attack us. It kind of pounced on Dave and it was even giving Dave love bites. Oh yeah, Dave told me not to tell anybody but after what he has done with the lion, I’m pretty sure it is okay to let the cat out of the bag- he is gay. Dave was laughing in happiness throughout the trip. Or was it screaming in agony… Hmm?

I drove your car off a cliff

Okay, don’t freak out when you read this. So yeah, I kind of drove your car off a cliff. They call it the cliff of no return, but look at us, we have returned. We have, like, defied the law of words. Hahaha! Haha! Hahahaha!!!

Jokes aside, it wasn’t really my fault I drove it off the cliff. You see, the lion kind of attacked me after it was done with Dave and my buds’ and I decided that the only way to get rid of the lion was to drive off the cliff. Call me a genius, but I did just that and it worked. We plunged vertically downwards and we kind of lost our consciousness somewhere during that time. But there is good news! I am alive right now. I know, it’s a blessing right?

When I woke up though, there were bones and blood everywhere and the lion was gone. Mysterious isn’t it? But not as mysterious as your car being missing as well. Anyway, the point is your car went missing somewhere between the time I lost consciousness and regained consciousness.

I set fire to your car

Come to think of it, maybe your car really wasn’t lost after all. I found your car somewhere in my vicinity and saw that it was covered in gasoline. Then I had like, the coolest idea. I mean, this was like a once in a lifetime opportunity- how often do you see so much flammable liquid in one place? Well, yeah, so I got out my lighter and decided to torch the whole piece of metal. Then I saw the most awesome fire in my life. It almost looked like a fire atop a car. That’s like so cool. You should try that some day.

So, yeah, actually it was kind of my fault that the one and only thing that made me envious of you is gone… Sorry about that, dude.

Yeah, so give me 10 dollars and we're even.

Remember the other time when you ate all my candy?

Well, I feel kind of guilty that I your car is gone and all, so I’d let you off the hook with eating all my candy the other time… Okay, maybe not- I’d give you this huge discount and let you off the hook if you just pay me 10 dollars. Ahh, shucks… Don’t mention it. What are friends for?

Notification of Engagement

Jeffrey Yiu
Husband of Mrs. Underwood
123 Forced Marriage Ave

4th May 06

Ms. Underwood
123 Forced Marriage Ave

Dear (to-be) Mrs Yiu,

I understand that you may not have been expecting this letter seeing that I have only seen you once in the club and we haven’t exactly talked to each other. And I don’t even know your first name.. And you haven’t had the chance to see me yet… But I am still happy to inform you that this letter is not a proposal. In fact, this letter’s purpose is to notify you that we are already engaged.

Indeed, your near perfect body played a huge role in our engagement. I’ve already rated the bodies in the club that night. Yours was definitely the top 10. Maybe even the top 2. But don’t get me wrong, it isn’t exactly your looks that enticed me- your face pulled your ranking down to the the 104th (there were only 93 girls in the club that night so I had to include the guys in that calculation).

I fell in love with you at first sight when we were in the club. You were on the counter, flirting gleefully with the gigolo you slept with the night before when I saw you. Ah, yes. The whole shelf of Martel you gracefully purchased for the sole purpose of getting the gigolo drunk made you look painfully attractive. I mean seriously, it is painful to be attracted to someone with your looks. Oh, I checked with the gigolo and he said your father owned a hotel. That earned you plenty of attraction points.

To tell you the truth, I would have brought you out on a few dates before announcing our engagement but my current wife recently became bankrupt and I have thus run out of dating grants. Nevertheless, this should not be an obstacle to our engagement based off true love.

Once again, I want you to understand that we are already engaged. However, I would still require you to sign some legal documents at my place so that you can’t back out of this in the future. Any time tomorrow between 4pm to 4:01pm would do fine. Of course, it is entirely up to you to decide whether or not to sign those documents. It shouldn’t be too hard to decide. After all, we both do own our own mirrors.

Yours Sincerely,

Jeffrey Yiu
Future Husband of Ms. Underwood

PS: If you are wondering where your parents are, they are staying with me indefinitely, patiently waiting for you to sign the documents at my place.

You’ve managed to live off your parents’ pay for most of your life. However, lately, it came to your attention that maybe free loading off your parents isn’t all to your life. Apparently when you’re 16, you finally realised you have a crush on Stacy, the hottest girl in school. Fear not, even you can get together with Stacy.

Step 1: Relax

You will need this if you ever want to get together with Stacy

This should be easy for any idiot to do, but no- not for you- you are a rarity. You are a special idiot. Now, that’s not a bad thing. Being as special as you are, you have a more efficient form of relaxing. All you have to do is carry out the ‘relaxing exercise’.

Don’t worry about the name of the exercise having too many syllables for you to pronounce, it is actually simpler than you can imagine (and that’s really simple). First of all, extend your right hand straight in front of you palm facing up, perpendicular to your body. Next, place an egg on your right hand. Lower your head until the egg is at eye level. Now bring the egg to your head as quickly as you can. Repeat with as many eggs as you can find. Maybe could use the ones from the garbage dump outside the supermarket as well.

You’re feeling all gooey and reek of rotten eggs now? That’s relaxation. Congratulations, you’re well on your way to getting together with Stacy.

Step 2: Don’t think about Stacy

This is the most important step to getting together with Stacy. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so the more you not think about her, the more you’ll like her. Forget that Stacy exists. Don’t talk to her in school, pretend she isn’t there when she walks past you in school. Stacy doesn’t seem to be affected? Perhaps Stacy is giving you the same treatment because she has a crush on you too. Yes, that’s it. You should go tell her that she has a crush on you. Stacy would be so excited to know that.

Step 3: Confront Stacy

Before you do anything, first do the ‘relaxing excercise’. It is very important that you do. Now go look for Stacy.

Hey look, that’s Stacy over there walking into the girl’s showers. Go bump into her to get her attention. Quick! Before she goes through the door.

Aw, you missed her. Now you’re stuck outside of the girl’s shower when Stacy is inside. Never mind that, since you came all this way to talk to her, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if you walked into the showers to say hi. After all, you’re bringing her good news letting her know that she has a crush on you. Go ahead, step into the showers.

Step 4: Tell Stacy the good news

Tell Stacy the good news. She'll be so touched that you came all the way here just to tell her.

You’re standing behind Stacy, she doesn’t know you’re there, idiot. Get her attention; say ‘hi’ just like how you would start a regular conversation.

Idiot: “Hi Stacy.”

Stacy: “Eeek!”

Hmm… She doesn’t look too happy to see you. Oh yeah, that’s right. She doesn’t know she has a crush on you yet. Tell her.

Idiot: “Stacy, I have good news!”

Stacy: “What are you doing here?!”

Idiot: “You have a crush on me! Isn’t that great?”

Stacy doesn’t look too pleased. Maybe this is too much information for her. You should give her some time to take in the good news.

Step 5: Impress Stacy

Apparently Stacy wasn’t too excited when she heard the good news. That’s just a minor setback. Show her your good side and she’ll surely come begging to get together with you.

See the prostitue over there? Yes, go pay her some $50 and come back to where Stacy is. Trust me. I’m with you remember?

Come on… At least get a prostitute that is straight. What’s with that transexual? -Sigh- I guess that’ll do. Go to the bench in the canteen where Stacy is sitting and flaunt your new girlfriend. Show her how popular you are with the ladies and she’ll be so impressed that she’ll be begging you to get together with her. Then you can tell her “You’ve had your chance. It’s too late now.” and watch as she scurries away crying.

What? She’s not paying attention to you? Well, maybe you should let her know you have a girlfriend now. Show her your prostitute.

Idiot: “Hey Stacy, guess what?”

What’s that asshole doing sitting intimately close to Stacy? You have to do something about it. And quick. Show her your girlfriend now.

Idiot: “Look Stacy, I have a girlfriend now. You don’t have a chance at me anymore. Aren’t you jealous?”

Asshole sitting intimately close to Stacy: “Hey Stacy, who is this?”

That asshole just stood up. Wow, he’s huge. Wait, that’s Mark, the captain of the football team! Oh, you’re in trouble now. It’s time to make a tactical retreat. Run! Run now. Leave your prostitute behind as a scapegoat. Put your $50 to use.

Step 6: Show Stacy you really love her

Tell her you love her

Stacy is only acting like that because she doesn’t know you love her yet. Show it to her. And what better way to do that than to grab explosives and hide it under your jacket. Don’t worry about the expenses. It is only a minor sacrfice to make to get together with Stacy. After all, if you couldn’t have Stacy, noone else should. It is only the mature thing to do. Put on your jacket. It’s time to do it.

This time, do the ‘relaxing excercise’ on Mark first. It will help ease his grumpiness so that you’ll avoid reliving the emberassing scene from before again. He looks even grumpier than before? I guess the ‘relaxing excercise’ doesn’t work on everyone. Make a run for it or all your effort would have been put to waste. No, not that way! Run towards Stacy.

There she is! Make sure you are clearly in her sight before you do anything.

Idiot: “Stacy… (Deep breathing).”

Stacy: “Oh God. Not again…”

She’s only saying that because she doesn’t know you love her yet. Show it to her now. Go, reveal the explosives!

Stacy: “Ahh! That’s… That’s…”

Idiot: “Stacy, I love you. We’ll be together. Together forever. Aren’t you happy too?” =D

SFX: Loud explosion and glass shattering.

Death

Congratulations! You’re together with Stacy.

Oops, I guess this tattooist messed up while tattooing the block of wood. No matter- this is a common occurence in tattooing.

It’s just like any other morning. You wake up, walk towards the sink to brush your teeth. Then, you look at the mirror and tell yourself “I need to mindlessly spend money to aggravate self inflicted pain by permanently scarring myself in the name of ‘art’. I need a tattoo.”

Surely your next reaction would be to drop that thought and carry on with your life, brushing your teeth. But wait! Have you ever considered the benefits of getting a tattoo? No? Well, you should. There are numerous reasons why you should spend that money to torture yourself rather than wasting it on lame meagre necessities like food.

Why get a tattoo?

Strengthen your vocal chords

First things first, although this might seem obvious, getting a tattoo strengthens your vocal chords. You’ll be screaming at the top of your lungs at all times during the tattooing process. It would be surprising if you didn’t become a good singer after getting a tattoo. Look at all the lead singers of world-class bands, they all have tattoos. Yes, now you know…

Ethicality

For the most part, tattooists are sadists. Honestly, tattooists are usually failed dentists who take up art so that they can still inflict pain on people in exchange for money. Tattooing is usually done by stabbing certain parts of the body with coloured humming pens to create pieces of art on people like yourself. Naturally, the stabbing element is completely unnecessary, but that’s where the ethical part comes in. By getting a tattoo, you are actually providing pleasure to the tattoo artist.

A second benefit is that by spending money on tattoos, you are not spending that extra money on a burger in McDonald’s. Hence seizing McDonald’s child labour funding. Therefore by getting a tattoo, you are able to clear your conscience knowing that you are doing good to the society.

Look cool

It is time to face the music- you are not fashionable, and you never will be. By the time you actually bother to get clothes to replace your old piece of cloth, ape-men would be wearing it to keep up with their trend. A tattoo however, eliminates the need to be fashionable. With a tattoo, you will no longer need clothes to show off to your friends how cool you think you are. Just walk around half-naked. (If policemen aren’t around, of course. But that’s irrelevant. We’re talking about tattoos, not getting into trouble with the law.)

Who knows? If you are lucky enough, you might even get permanent brain damage from excessive pain and this might actually allow you to be trendy.

Save lives

This point is often overlooked by many. For the benefit of people who lack general knowledge, tattooing comes with it the inconspicuous threat of skin cancer. By getting a tattoo, you are putting yourself in the position of a guinea pig for the thousands of people behind you who, too, want a tattoo. If by an off chance you die of skin cancer, everyone would realise the evils of tattooists and tattooing and decide not to get a tattoo, hence saving their lives. Not to mention, you’ll be worshipped as a hero who died for them!

Conclusion

With all the benefits of getting a tattoo, there is no reason for anyone to not get a tattoo. In fact, you should get a tattoo today! Fortunately, I know a cost-efficient, fool-proof way of getting a tattoo with no repercussions. No, this is not a voluntary tattoo TV show, nor is it a tattooist examination hall in jail. This is Dhism’s very own…

No, I’m not trying to cheat money from suckers such as yourself. I would never stoop so low.

That’s not my dentist uniform lying on the floor of my house either…

Wait, come back.

Damn.

Apple has reportedly announced plans to distribute their latest smart phone scam, the iPhone 9Z! In an official statement by Steve Jobs, founder of Apple: “We are proud to announce that the distribution of our latest money-making iPhone 9Z would commence as of Dec 12th 2409. We would like to thank our customers for our success- this would not have been made possible without you.”

Upon receiving this information, millions, no, billions of customers have started queueing up in front of Apple stores worldwide in hopes of becoming the first people to purchase the iPhone 400 years early! Ergo, practically proving that the iPhone 9Z has the power to make people willing to wait until death!

The confusion amidst the rage has already resulted in casualties reaching up to an estimated 100,000, with 9999 reported dead and 666 reported missing! Excessive screaming of ‘OH-EMM-GEE!’ by people who want only to be known as High School Girls has even lead to the extinction of mosquitoes!

Unfortunately, the government has yet come up with a plan to put an end to such atrocities.

This is no longer an ordinary disaster, it is now a level 100 APPLE DISASTER!!!

Ordinary Apple Disaster

Level 100 APPLE DISASTER!!!

PS. Get your iPhone 9Z today!