Funny Stories
Dhism
Love For Death
Jul 25th
Bella is always being loved to death.
The murder rate has been soaring recently due to the movie Eclipse. Why is this so? One reporter investigates.
Reporter: Hello
Bella: Hiiii~
Reporter: I’m a reporter from Mediacorp. May I interview you?
Bella: Am I, like, going to be famous? Oh-Emm-Geee! (runs towards camera and waves frantically) Hii mommy, hi daddy, hi Eddy~ I’m on Tee-Veee. Hello~
Reporter: Miss… Miss! (desperately tries to get the woman’s attention)
Bella: Mommy! I’m, like, on teevee! I told you I’m not a loser! And you said, like, watching Eclipse will get me nowhere.
Bella: (looks at reporter) I showed her, didn’t I?
Reporter: Yes, yes…you sure did. Let’s move on… What do you like about the movie Eclipse?
Bella: I like Edward.
Reporter: (awkward silence)
Bella: …
Reporter: So what do you like about Edward?
Bella: I like Edward because he is, like, white…so white. And he is a vampire. And he sparkles. And he is so cool. I’ll never, like, fall for a living man, like, ever again.
Reporter: Oka-
Bella: But I like Eddy too.
Reporter: Eddy?
Bella: Eddy. My boyfriend. Like, duh.
Reporter: Where is he?
Bella: He’s dead.
Reporter: Ahem. What about Jacob Black? They say he’s Edward’s hottest rival.
Bella: (grabs a dog and strangles it) Jacob, like, seriously? Like, ugh. You know, I might, like, like dead people and all, but I won’t like a dog. Eww…
Reporter: (frantically tries to get the dog away from her) Okay miss. Miss? Can you please let go of doggy over there? He’s innocent.
Bella: Wow, you almost look like Edward when you’re nervous like that.
Reporter: I beg your pardon?
Bella: I mean, you’re starting to turn all white. If only you were, like, not living, like Edward… But don’t worry, I’ll fix that…like how I fixed Eddy.
Reporter: I’m afraid that’s all the time we have. This concludes today’s interview. Thank you, Miss Bel – OH MY GOD! What’s that?!
Reporter: Be careful with that thing! You might kill somebo-
Reporter: SECURITY!
Spain Victorious – Parrots Hunted to Near Extinction
Jul 12th
Spain emerges victorious with only minor casualties
SINGAPORE: Following the results of Spain’s 1-0 win against Holland in the FIFA World Cup, parrots all around the world are being hunted to near extinction.
In a reliable announcement issued by The Dhism Times, it said that this global phenomenon was the direct result of Singapore’s ‘Mani the Parakeet’s’ inaccurate prediction of Holland winning the World Cup.
Flash mobs of varying sizes all over the world are starting to rampage through bird parks and nature reserves to slaughter every parrot in sight. At the rate the parrots are being killed, it is estimated that parrots will be extinct by the end of the week. The National Bird Protection Dutch Committee classified this as an emergency code green genocide.
Environmental Activist and known Dutch Supporter Shanice voices her opinion, “It just can’t be helped. The parrots are starting to disrupt the natural flow by lying to us with their false predictions. It just can’t be helped. They have to die. Can’t be helped… It just cannot be helped…”
Because of Singapore’s lack of guns, this movement proved to be an unwelcome challenge for Singaporeans as they had to make do with killing parrots with mere knives. Unfortunately, this has lead to several casualties when civilians slaughter each other in their futile attempt. The total death toll has amounted to a total of 343 people and counting.
Social experts claim that the people only had themselves to blame for believing in birdbrains. The so-called experts are still in the process of having a little talk with angry mobs with torches and knives.
This is only the latest of the two most shocking casualties attributed to the World Cup. The first being North Korea’s 23 player purge as a result of being pummelled 7-0 by Portugal.
On the other hand, ‘Paul the Octopus’ is being hailed as the better animal for accurately predicting Spain’s win in the World Cup Finals. The UN is currently holding talks to ban the sale of Takoyaki in the name of Paul and his brethren. Definitely a stark contrast to the way his feathery friend is being treated.
Pop
Jul 11th
Basically, this is just a post on pops. It goes like this…
Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pip, ooops Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop
Morphing the Merlion
Jun 29th
Author’s notes: Just a rough draft of my idea of a Merlion story that I’m supposed to do for my group project. Credits to Janna, Zany and Nicholas for the plot.
Morphing the Singing Lion
There once lived a lion named Morphing who was very good at singing. However, he did not have a mane, and was thus always bullied for looking like a lioness. He lived everyday ostracised by his pride, and everyday, he sang to a Tembusa tree to pour out all his sorrows.
One day, Morphing lost it. A screw came a little lose in his head from all the pressure and he started talking to the Tembusa tree.
“Wise old Tembusa,” Morphing cried, “Why must I look like a transsexual? How can I get a mane?”
All of a sudden, the trunk of Tembusa tree started cracking, forming what seemed to be facial features. Then the gap in the trunk began to mouth and voice out the words. “The SingTel mobile customer is currently unavailable-“ The tree paused, “The Deity of the Ocean is busy. Proceeding to troubleshoot. Step 1: Transferring the call to the Devil of Lightning.”
Morphing was in awe. He could no longer sing to the sorrows of transcending gender, but began singing in hopes of a miracle service only an unholy being can provide.
The Devil’s Contract
Then, a deep, booming voice sounded form within the Tembusa tree. “O’ insignificant being, I will grant you your wish.”
The Tembusa tree began to wither as the thunder groaned in the darkening sky.
“But on a condition,” the Devil’s infamous ‘but’ surfaces as he decides to play a practical joke on the feminine Prince of the animal kingdom, “you have to swim to the middle of the Pacific Ocean and scream ‘I am a girly-boy’ three times.”
“Okay!~” Morphing sang enthusiastically.
The Devil of Lightning was shocked at Morphing’s level of conviction and vanished back into his hole in the Tembusu tree.
As soon as Morphing felt that the devil’s presence was gone, he started running towards the southern shore eagerly, hopeful of finally attaining what he has had always wished for.
‘A mane at last! The other male lions will finally stop flirting with me after today. Mark my words.”
The Deity’s Contract
By dawn, Morphing reached the Southern shores of Temasek after getting lost several times in the dense jungle. But then, he encountered a problem – he did not have the ability to swim.
‘Curses! If only I had a fish tail to swim to the middle of the ocean.’ Morphing thought as he began to give up hope.
Out of the blue, a blue mist shrouded Morphing’s vision and the Deity of the Sea appeared in front of him.
“Tembusa left me a voice message. It appears you have been tricked by the Devil of lightning.” The divine being spoke. “But do not fear, I have the perfect solution.”
“Hey wait- no! I don’t want a fish tail. I can swim! Wait! Wait-“
“Too late.”
And hence the lion lost all its limbs and ended up with an unsightly tail.
The Manly Girly-Boy
With his newly acquired asset, the mutant of a lion made his way to the middle of the Ocean. Morphing swished through the relentless waves of the ocean at incredible speed with his strong back tail until his goal was within sight.
What a sight it was – hundreds of animals were gathering about the middle of the ocean, all fighting for a spot in precisely the geographical centre of the ocean – all of which looked out of the ordinary. The ducks hadn’t a beak, the dogs hadn’t ears, the pigs hadn’t noses. The only thing they all had in common was that they had an enormous fish tail attached to their behinds.
‘What freaks…’ Morphing thought as he scorned in disgust.
Morphing wasted no time in pushing his way to the middle of the ocean and roaring ‘I am a girly boy’ at the top of his lungs.
“I am a girly-boy!” The crowd followed in symphony following the lion’s lead. “I am a girly-boy! We are girl-boys!!!”
At that second, a storm of thunderbolts rained down on the girly-boys in the middle of the ocean. When the commotion has settled, Morphing found that he had a mane around his head. In his excitement, he looked around and saw that the other animals, too, had undergone a huge change. All of them grew manes! And all of them were dead. That was when it struck him: He was the only girly-boy left alive. No – he has become a manly girl-boy.
Double-Double-Cross
Morphing swam back to Temasek in high spirits. The thought of finally being accepted into the pride was a euphoria he has always longed for. Unfortunately, at the shores of Temasek, he encountered another obstacle in the way of his pursuit of happiness. He realised that he could not walk on land, as he hadn’t any limbs.
Morphing cried as he realised his hopes were dashed. The sky turned grey almost as if a symbol of contempt of sorrow as the lone lion sang his sorrows out by the shore.
Then, Morphing was struck by lightning.
“Argh!” Morphing groaned as he cursed his jinxed life. “Why am I so unlucky?”
Then, Morphing was struck by lightning a few more times. Then, the Devil of Lightning appeared before him.
“That’s weird, he didn’t die.” The Devil eyes widened in shock. “Oh well, it doesn’t matter now.” He decided after looking at Morphing’s sorry state before disappearing into thin air.
Just then, a local doctor noticed the commotion and had rushed to the scene. There he saw Morphing in his near-death state, and he realised what he had to do. Without hesitation, he put his medical equipments aside and began erecting a humongous sculpture atop the fallen freak of a lion and named the sculpture the ‘Merlion’.
When Morphing finally woke up, he realised that he was stuck within the gigantic structure. He struggled to break out of his predicament, but to no avail. Without his limbs to help him, he couldn’t move.
All Morphing could do was to spit from its mouth into the ocean in hopes of getting the attention of the Deity of the Ocean so that he could magically reclaim his limbs. The Deity of the Ocean was annoyed at this display of utter disrespect, hence asked the Devil of Lightning to ‘tie up the loose ends’.
And so Morphing was worshiped as the legendary Merlion who is constantly under attack by lightning. And spits a constant stream of water.
END
Political Warfare in a Karaoke Lounge
Jun 28th
Host:
(Pats Microphone) We are bringing to you live coverage of a debate from beyond the doors of the karaoke lounge. This programme is brought to you by the same people who brought to you the debate, which is the same person who’s talking to you now. Without further ado, let’s get on with it!
Morality: Is it morally unacceptable to for organisers to reclaim their monetary losses as a result of the planning of such social assemblies?
Proposition:
Yes
Guests should not be made to pay. It is morally unacceptable. Nobody told us that we had to pay money for attending this event. You say that organisers should be allowed to reclaim some of the money for making the event a success, but we only came in later, and missed out on the earlier events. It is unfair to make us pay when we haven’t seen the food from the barbeque.
Floor: Hey, we paid although we didn’t eat too! Show him the food! That will solve everything.
Opposition:
No
Going back on your argument before, you state that organisers should not make guests pay for the event. However, it is noteworthy that you were not invited to this event in the first place. Doesn’t this ironic comment seem to infringe on moral norms? Using this as a benchmark, there shouldn’t be a moral issue with organisers merely reclaiming monetary resources from the people.
Policies: Should organisers of social assemblies be denied the right to decide the amount payable?
Proposition:
Yes
Hang on let’s go back to what you were saying. I am an uninvited guest? I was invited by my friend, who was invited, which makes me an invited guest. You’re not an organiser yourself, and you’re demanding payment from me. Doesn’t that make you the worst type of hypocrite?
By going along with your little hypothesis, then if I were a terrorist and I was ordered by my friend to kidnap a boy for use in interrogation, it would be morally correct to demand payment from the boy for bringing him to an organised event. That’s ridiculous.
Opposition:
No
You’re getting off topic, but that’s to be expected. You’re obviously someone who lives a life leeching off others and can’t do anything by yourself for nuts. Don’t you realise the topic has moved on to Policies? We should be talking about that.
However, just to satisfy your puny mind, I will dumb myself down so that even you would understand. You completely misunderstand what I’m saying: I’m saying you should pay a minimal fee for participating in the event. And your argument about terrorism is ludicrous. Kidnapping shouldn’t be allowed in the first. We wouldn’t want our kids disappearing all of a sudden because of a madman wearing a mask. Moreover, kidnapping isn’t a primary school gathering event.
The majority rules in a democracy. Nobody shows up for an event uninvited and not expect to pay for anything, everyone on the floor has paid, why shouldn’t you? Majority is the best – to hell with the rest.
Floor: Where is the love… Where is the love, the love, the love…
Human Right: Should such economic policies be seen as an infringement of basic human rights and hence be treated accordingly?
Proposition:
Yes
Are you serious? Just because everyone has paid then I should pay? You dictator! As a member of Al Qaeda, I dare say people like you are often the first to be assassinated. I bet you were picked on by your monitors in school, didn’t you? I know people like you – Knife-toting loan sharks who think they run the world. It is @%$ holes like you who make the government open the Casino in Sentosa.
Opposition:
No
Oh, of course you would be a damned terrorist! And how dare you attack our most prided tourist attraction? Our government is introducing a major source of income for our country and all you do is sit there whining while you’re freeloading off others in poverty. You bomb-carrying, murderous rebel!
Floor: Oh! Baby, baby, baby… Oh~
Social Security: Are the police justified in disregarding such policies taking into consideration its legitimate foundation?
Proposition:
Yes
F$*% you! You stupid, blue-font daylight robber!
SFX – Pow!
I should have expected morons like you to resort to violence!
SFX – Bom! Bom!
Ouch – hey! Where did that umbrella come from? Ouch!
SFX – Piack! Piack! Piack!…
SFX – Bom! Bom!…
Ah! Save me!
Save me…
Save me…
Save me…
Host: This concludes our show for tonight! (Wields microphone)
SFX – Bam! Pfssh… Pfssh… Bam!
Changing a Spare Tire
May 26th
Sometimes, you just know that it is time to change a spare tire.
Changing a Spare Tire
If you have ever gotten stuck on a narrow road with a spare tire and were blocking the traffic, you would have obviously felt the burden of being a nuisance to commuters. Don’t you wish you had the ability to change your spare tire without the help of specialists? Changing a Spare Tire is an invaluable skill for everyone to have-especially if you happen to be obese.
Step 1: Safety First
Now, most amateurs would advise that you move out of passing traffic, onto a hard, flat surface before you begin working. This is almost always a bad idea, as there is a potential someone in the passing traffic would be able to help, and they won’t help unless you’re in the way. So, the most important thing to do would be to first manoeuvre yourself so that you’re blocking as much traffic as possible.
Meet the Jack... Feel the Jack... Use the Jack.
Step 2: The Jack
The Jack is a very important tool in removing spare tires. Jacks are fairly common and can be easily found among the commuters in the passing traffic. Obtain a Jack and place the Jack under your spare tire. Make the Jack raise your spare tire to a height that is supporting, but not lifting your spare tire. Ensure that Jack is firmly placed beneath your spare tire.
.
The nutwrencher. Ouch.
Step 3: Loosening the Nuts
With the support of the Jack, you may then proceed to loosen your nuts. This is usually done by turning the nuts anti-clockwise with a nut wrench. But if you’re less hard-core and are unable to find a nut wrench, you can also do it with your hands. Beware, however, that doing it with your hands is tedious and is known to cause self-inflicted agony.
Cranking the Jack
Step 4: Lifting the Spare Tire Entirely
The next step involves making the Jack lift your spare tire entirely off the ground. This can be achieved in two ways: pumping or cranking the Jack. Pumping involves the use of applying forceful pressure to the Jack to make it lift your spare tire higher. Cranking involves turning the Jack like a toy until it is cranked so much that it lifts your spare tire higher.
Step 5: Removing the Nuts
This is the hardest part yet. However, if you follow this guide accordingly, removing your nuts can be a painless, life-changing, moral transcending experience. Proceed to turn your nuts in the anti-clockwise direction with the same method you used in Step 3 until it comes off completely.
Step 6: Removing the Spare Tire
With your nuts holding your spare tire in place removed, it is finally time to remove your spare tire. Make sure the Jack is in a stable, supporting position before proceeding. Clasping your spare tire with both hands, forcefully rip off your spare tire by pulling as hard as you can.
Warning: The lack of a spare tire attracts more women. Be prepared.
Congratulations…
for still being alive! You have successfully removed your spare tire, but your journey doesn’t end here. In fact, your journey has just begun. From here, you can proceed to put on a spare tire again or even start helping other people remove their spare tires.
Project Group Leader
Apr 21st
One day you'll look back and realise that your time as a Project Group Leader is the best time of your life.
Working on a project in a group is a chore students have to deal with in many occasions of their supposed learning journey, but with every project group, there will always be an intellectually-evolved student who watches over the others while playing games on his PSP- the Project Group Leader. When you find yourself in a situation where you are assigned as a project group leader, you should be proud to inherit the inherent aptitude your position potentially possess. Although a project group leader’s traditional job is to receive the rage of the lecturers and transferring the torment to the bottom of the project food chain, this may be changed with careful planning. When you play your cards right, everyone would be fighting amongst each other while you would be clinching that A and your Porch hence thereof.
Project Group Slaves
The students who would be working towards your A, known as the project group slaves, are your minions whose only skill needed is the ability to follow your orders blindly without expecting returns of any sort. However, their ease of replacement doesn’t dismiss the advantages of choosing the optimum slaves.
Choosing the right project group slaves:
Nothing makes your life easier than to have blind followers smart enough to get you your A without you having to beat down the smart into them. There is bound to be some valuable pawns amidst all the trash just waiting to be your slave, you just have to know which to pick. For this, we can run a simple exercise to rule out the best candidate out of the rest of the trash.
Potential Slave 1: A geeky-looking straight A student in your class. She has never failed to ace a single test in her life. However, she was kicked out of her previous group because she was too irksome (teenage dispute) and was getting onto her group’s nerves. She once got into a violent argument with you insisting that the North Pole is colder than the South Pole.
Potential Slave 2: Some hippie who reeked of crack. He seemed like a cool guy, pulling off the cyclops hairstyle while smoking a cigarette. Surprisingly, he’s smart, being one of the top students in school. Moreover, he became the captain of the debate team after winning a debate against the ex-captain. He is known to work very well in a group, leading his team to achieving a Gold for the debating competition.
Potential Slave 3: An inconspicuous introvert that barely anyone in school knows the name of. Your lecturers often miss out his name during attendance taking. The few friends he has commented that he is diligent, further adding that he spends half of his day everyday of his life studying. Unfortunately, this isn’t reflected in his grades and he is thus left without much credit for his hard work. He has an untainted, kind heart that often does more harm than good. He often run errands for people fortunate enough to notice his existence.
Loners are the best catch as they turn out to be devoted friends and are therefore easily manipulated.
Potential Slave 2 is the ideal choice for the conventional project group. All the same, Potential Slave 2 does not go very well with your grand scheme. His background of being a debater alone leaves you at a disadvantageous position with his innate ability to argue and question your judgement. What more, he has a reputation of overthrowing leadership positions in the debating team, which leaves you more prone to a coup d’etat. He’s going to be a troublemaker. Potential Slave 1 is the best option of the three. Potential Slave 3 is an inferior choice but his pushover attitude can be exploited. You may keep Potential Slave 3 on hand to replace any of your other slaves in case they fall dead due to overwork. It doesn’t matter if your slave is extremely irritating. You will not be the one having to work with her for whole days.
.
.
Lecturers are your project provider, friend and scapegoat all in one.
Lecturers
Effectively dealing with the lecturers is an important part of being a good project group leader. Considering your lecturers are usually cooped up in their office doing work unrelated to the project you are working on, it is fairly easy to complete this meagre task. To do this, a project group leader must play on the fact that he is essentially the primary channel of communication between the lecturers and the rest of the project group slaves. As far as your project group slaves are concerned, whatever you tell them to do is under the direct instructions of your lecturers- no hard feelings, just doing your job. This allows you to not only transfer your apparent stress of being a group leader upon them, but also ensures that you will not be the immediate source of anger release when one of your project group slaves shows up in school with a knife one day.
You’re almost done
With the proper techniques in your arsenal, you can now manage and deal with projects confidently in the new age. Pick up a project and some disposable working dolls and you’re all set to drive off on your brand new Porch!
Human
Mar 29th
The human (sometimes referred to as Homos-apiens) is a sophisticated form of a monkey.
Humans have highly developed brains capable of language, argument and argument in different languages. This mental capability, coupled with the proper use of bending religious teachings, a steady supply of unfortunate children in military camp and a bag packed with bombs forms the basis of human problem solving.
Humans are most well-known for their desire to modify the environment to fit their needs through the use of science. This natural desire to satisfy their needs has inspired humans to produced countless technological masterpieces leading to successes such as the global warming phenomena.
Like most monkeys, humans are social by nature. In fact, humans are sociable to the extent that they create complex social classes of which a single human, often one with a squarish moustache, stands on the top. This social structure is largely accepted as an effective method of global problem solving among humans.
Evolution
The evolution chain of the human.
Human evolution is characterised by a number of morphological changes. The most notable of such morphological change is the humans’ reduced upper body strength which is accommodated by the development of a less-than-optimal-shaped body. And the addition of a permanent fast food product in hand.
The scientific study of human evolution usually refers to the development of tools. From the humble beginnings of spear throwing to the dropping of the atomic bomb, human evolution has presented mankind with an improved ability to solve problems, reproduce and repeat the cycle again with more advanced tools.
Art and Literature
Literature is often used to showcase creativity and convey ideas
Art distinguishes humans from other species
.
Artistic works have been present for as long as humankind. Art is one of the most unique aspects of human behaviour which distinguishes humans from other species.
In addition to art, humans also use literature, often in the form of writing, to showcase their creativity. Through the use of the written language, humans have been used to effectively convey ideas. Literature has very diverse uses, from casual leisure to problem solving.
.
.
.
..
Colours
Colour vision is one of the many characteristics a human boasts of. This feature results in humans having a natural tendency to relate to colours unconsciously. This impulse is observed so often that it is even shown in the way humans categorise themselves, e.g.: whites, blacks and yellows.
Scientific studies show that colours have a big impact on our daily lives, that it can influence our emotions and even actions towards others. It is no surprise many humans believe in the symbolism of colours. It is said that the colour white symbolises life: being associated with slavery and diplomatic threats, always being in command of another life. The colour black symbolises grief. This is why black is often the first option that comes to mind when it comes to tools to be used in the front-line of wars. The colour yellow symbolises the warmness of the sun. This is why yellow hammers and sickles are often seen caught on fire during street demonstrations.
Natural Habitat
The humans lives on what they have concluded to be the safest planet in the solar system- Earth.
The Mysteryous Murder
Jan 31st
The scene of the crime
Introduction
“Clifton! You have to get out here, something big is happening!” I yelled as I burst through the front door.
“Pipe down, Author,” the detective commanded in the calmest of manners. “Tell me, what is it that intrigues you so?”
“I don’t know, but there is a huge crowd gathering right outside your house-”I paused in expectancy of Clifton’s change in expression due to excitement, but it never came. “And… Big crowds have got to mean something-” Clifton didn’t budge. In eagerness to satisfy my curiosity, I dragged Clifton with me through the crowd where we arrived at the scene of the crime.
Murder
What could he be possibly trying to signal?
Lying on the floor staring straight at us was a man who looked like he was in deep pain. With his face cringed, he actively pointed at what looked like a stick protruding out of where all the blood was oozing out of his body. Everyone was puzzled at what the man was trying to signal. Everyone but Clifton.
“Make way,” Clifton demanded, “I’m a detective.”
The fan-girls fainted upon setting eyes on Clifton as he busied himself about the man. With quick wits, Clifton checked for the man’s pulse. After procuring sufficient data, the detective pulled out a knife from his pocket before systematically inserting and removing the knife at numerous areas on the man’s body, with the man all the while pointing at the stick-like object with diminishing intensity. Clifton then proceeded to check for the man’s pulse again before arming himself with an injector filled with a white liquid and injecting it into the man’s body. I watched in admiration as I observed the genius at work. It was truly an honour to be the sidekick of the town’s most prestigious detective.
“It appears that the man is dead.” Clifton proclaimed. The crowd gasped in symphony.
“And the murder weapon is in fact this knife stuck in the man’s body.” Clifton forcefully removed what I once thought was a stick from the man’s chest, revealing a knife. Another gasp rippled through the crowd.
“I would have never guessed!” A bystander commented in amazement. Indeed, Clifton never fails to amaze us with his clairvoyant abilities.
“I’m afraid we will have to do a thorough investigation,” Clifton suggested. “But for now, we must nourish ourselves with lunch. It is already noon! After all, the body will not be going anywhere.”
With that convincing argument, the crowd dispersed trampling over the fainted fan-girls adding to the total corpse count. All except for one man, Mr. Jabs, who stood petrified at the sight of his dear friend’s death.
“Please, detective Clifton, you have to find the murderer.” The poor man pleaded on his knees as he grabbed Clifton’s arms. “John was my best friend… Even though he murdered my wife just yesterday.”
Clifton gently shoved Mr Jabs aside. “Rest assured ancient citizen, the murderer will most definitely be brought to justice for detective Clifton is on the case.”
The old man spent a little more time begging Clifton before we decided that we were wasting too much time. We quickly got rid of him with the help of a little tranquillizing dart and then headed for lunch.
Clue
Clifton and I were confabulating about issues unrelated to the murdered man over lunch when we were rudely interrupted by two policemen. With a tap on Clifton’s shoulder, one of the policeman abruptly ended our conversation and started a new one of his own.
“Detective Clifton, we hear that you are going to be investigating the death of the late John Black.” The policeman affirmed.
“Your sources are reliable, constables.” Clifton answered.
A visual image of the note in the pocket of John's coat.
The policeman then reached into his pocket to pull out a note. “Well, we found this note in the pocket of John Black’s coat and we believe that it is a vital clue pertaining to the man’s murder.” He then began to expound the note:
Dear John, I regret to inform you that due to the recent plummet in crime rate, I am on the verge of being out of my job. This and the fact that I currently owe you a million dollars has put me in a rather uncomfortable financial burden. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that you will have to die in order for me to continue earning money as a detective and on a milder note, so that I will not be in a million-dollar debt. With that said, I am writing to invite you to a party at the dark alley beside my house where nobody can see you as you are being murdered. I hope to see you there!
Clifton then took a few seconds to digest the information before coming up with a meaningful hypothesis.
“From the note, we can safely draw three key points.” Clifton explained: “One, the murderer is in a pathetic financial state. Two, the murderer lied when he said it was a party. And three, the police is doing a good job in keeping the crime rate under control.”
The policemen stood jaw wide-open in awe at Clifton’s immaculate hypothesis. Being Clifton’s proud sidekick, I then tried to add in a few words of my own, “Hey, you missed something. At the bottom of the note, it reads ‘With kind regards, Clifton‘. Does that mean anything?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
Fortunately, the policeman cut into our awkward dialogue by adding a comment of his own. “Very well, detective. We trust that the case is safe in your hands.”
“Also, to help you in your investigation, we have brought in a prime suspect for questioning.” The other policeman said as he dragged a person with his upper-body wrapped in a plastic bag. “We suspect his involvement in the murder of John Black on account of his possession of weapons similar to that of the murder weapon.”
“We found him hiding such weapons in his kitchen’s cabinet.” The policeman added. “We hope that he would be of use to you.” With that, the two policeman took off as swiftly as they came in.
“That was sudden.” I proclaimed. “What do we do with this person?” I then questioned as I pointed at the person struggling to remove the plastic bag that was restraining his movements.
“First, we remove the bag.” Clifton suggested. And that we did, but what we uncovered beneath the plastic mess would change our lives forever.
Suspect
As we unbagged the parcel left to us by the police, the shape of the creature became progressively distinct until we can fully make out it’s bodily features. Then we uncovered the strangest, most peculiarly obnoxious creature wrapped in the piece of plastic- it was a human! And not just any human. It was a human man!
“Oh my god! It is a man!” I shrieked in shock.
Clifton, in his usual composed state, unhurriedly approached the man. “Have you the faintest idea why you are here?” Clifton inquired.
The ol' back street. The place where all good happens.
“I dunno…” The anonymous man appeared dazed. “I was helpin’ me self to some of em’ hospital alcohol in the ol’ back street when those damn coppers showed up. Boy were they cranky. The coppers were nabbing all of em’ alcohol provider when the alcohol kicked in. Next thin’ I knew, it was all black and I couldn’t move any o’ me arms.”
“Ah, clinical alcohol… Good stuff, I hear.” Clifton claimed.
“Aiyee.” The man confirmed. “I still have some of em’ here up for some sharin’ if you wanna. Hell, I’d throw in some of em’ pills, too.”
“Let’s see what you’ve got.” Clifton agreed. That simple yet elegant sentence then sparked a day-long party centred about alcohol and drugs.
After hours of sobering up, Clifton decided it was time to begin politely questioning our party buddy. *Ahem* Clifton cleared his throat in order to grab our attention before making eye contact with the suspect we attained from the policemen. “Did you kill John Black?”
“No.”
“Okay.”
It was then when the still-unnamed man took notice of the note that the policemen left us. ” ‘With kind regards, Clifton‘, eh?” The man raised an eyebrow.
At that moment, the same two policemen barged into our conversation once again. “Detective, we have a problem. The body is missing.”
“Null that. We just received an update. Old man Gobbert has the body. Apparently he is trying to get rid of it.” The other policeman affirmed.
“We have to stop him. Come, Author.” Clifton directed. He then took a glance at the unfortunately still unnamed man before once again speaking. “This man has severe neuropsychiatric and mental instability, it is advisable to put him in a position where professional aid is easily accessible.”
“…What?”
“Get him to the Mental Hospital. Take him away, boys.” Clifton mandated.
The human man, still high on drugs, was then dragged away by the two policemen. “Hahaha! You’ll neva’ get away wit’ this, you murderer. Neva’, I say. Neva! Haha! HAHAHAHA!”
…
“It was rather regrettable we never got to know the name of such a good hippie with drugs, but it is all part and parcel of the life of a private eye, isn’t it, Clifton?” I stated.
Clifton dodged my meaningless question, “Moving on… We have to find out what in the world Mr Gobbert is doing with the corpse.”
Doughnuts
As we drove around the town randomly in hopes of finding the dead body, we wound up at the old man’s house where we saw Gobbert digging a huge hole at his backyard.
“Wow, that hole looks like it is big enough to fit a man.” I commented. “Just big enough to fit in that corpse behind him.”
“A very deductive statement you hypothesised.” Clifton praised. “The only thing you missed is that that corpse behind him is the body of the late John. But one has to question- why is Mr Gobbert, the man who has hated John since his childhood, be bent on getting rid of the body? Could he be the murderer?”
Once again, Clifton’s brilliant questions got me thinking, but I couldn’t take the weight of such a heavy question. My body started heating up and I began to perspire profusely. My head was starting to crack. Every muscle in my body was twitching as if to tell me to get out of this uncomfortable position. I was starting to break down. “Boy, doughnuts would sure come in handy in times like this.” I murmured to myself.
Clifton has solved the mystery!
“Doughnuts! That’s it, Author! Doughnuts!” Clifton yelled in excitement, as if he has managed to solve the case. “Get the doughnuts and meet me at the Mental Hospital at 1000 hours. Remember to get the doughnuts. It is very important that you do. Now, step on it!”
As confused as I was, Clifton’s stirring speech ignited a burning passion within me and I was ready to do my part in solving the case. With as much strength as I could muster, I slammed my right foot onto the pedal. “OUCH!” I screamed. Alas, I was in the passenger’s seat and I had unintentionally stepped on my left foot instead.
Clifton stared at me with a puzzled expression. “What are you doing? You don’t have time to waste with self-inflicted injuries. Get out of the car. You’re making your way there by foot.”
And thus began my journey to solve the mystery of the murder of John Black.
Indie Investigation
Making my way halfway across town towards the doughnut shop, I kept myself occupied by asking myself three questions that I could find no answer to- Why does Clifton need the doughnut? How is the doughnut related to solving the case? Is Mr Gobbert the murderer?
When I finally arrived at the doughnut shop at approximately 0800 hours, I realised that I didn’t know which flavour of doughnut Clifton needed. With quick wits, I decided that I’d buy one of everything available in the shop.
“Wow, I haven’t had anyone buy so many doughnuts since Mr Jabs. What’s the occasion?” The shopkeeper commented.
“Nah, it’s nothing… Just a little crime solving.” I boasted. “What was it about Mr Jabs you were saying again?” I asked casually.
The shopkeeper giggled before answering my question, “Mr Jabs frequents this store very often and orders the doughnuts in huge bulks all the time too. The amount of work I have to put in to get the all the doughnuts ready is humongous, almost murderous”
‘Murderous, huh…’ I thought to myself. ‘Jabs. Murderous. Doughnuts.’ It was all starting to make sense to me.
I have solved the mystery!!!
“That’s it! Mr Jabs is the murderer of John Black!” I bellowed. “I have to report this to Clifton immediately!”
I told the shopkeeper to put it on the tabs before rushing out of the store to catch the first taxi I saw.
The doughnuts, the Jabs, the murder, everything seemed to fall into place so nicely. So that was why Clifton wanted me to get the doughnuts, to set the stage for me to solve the case. However, in spite of the euphoria of solving the case all by myself, I know that my part to play wasn’t over yet. I may have solved the case, but I have yet to convey my realisation to Clifton.
Clifton Finally Closes the Case
When I arrived at the Mental Hospital, I saw that the everyone has already been gathered at the lounge awaiting my arrival. Mr Jabs, Gobbert, the unnamed man (now clothed in a straight jacket) and the usual two conversation-cutting policemen were all seated in a circle, leaving an empty seat in middle for me.
“Take a seat, Author.” Clifton gestured, “Now, I suppose we all know why we’re all gathered here today.” Everyone in attendance nodded their heads slightly in reaction to Clifton’s statement.
Clifton continued, “As we all know, the murder of John Black is still largely a mystery thus far. Let us present all the clues available to us: John was killed at approximately 0400 hours on Wednesday morning. The murder weapon was without a doubt a 26cm knife, and was delivered with a stab to the centre of the chest. However, the autopsy on John’s body also concludes that there was a potentially fatal amount of Potassium Cyanide in John’s body which would have otherwise killed him had he still been alive after being stabbed in the chest. Compiling all these clues, I have drawn that the murderer oh John Black is amongst us. And the murderer is…”
I shot a cold glance at the direction of Mr Jabs before standing up and shouting, “Mr Jabs!”
Clifton looked puzzled. “No he’s not. You are the murderer.”
“B-but, the doughnuts, and the Jabs, and the murder. He has got to be the murderer!” I argued. “Wait, what? I’m the murderer?”
“Oh, the doughnuts are for me. I have yet to thank you for that. Thank you.” Clifton shoved a piece of paper into my hands discreetly and placed a microphone in front of me. “Anyway, you have to stick to the script!”
As I held out the piece of paper on one hand, I began to read into the microphone from the piece of paper, “Indeed, it is I, Author, who have murdered John in the early morning of Wednesday. I was in a pathetic financial state and decided to lie about having a party in order to kill John. Also, the police is doing a good job in keeping crime under control.”
Everyone was dumbstruck. Clifton then prevaricated in awe, “He hit all three of the key points I drew up from the murder note. Why, I never.”
Dumb detective.
Clifton winked at me. I went on reading the rest of the writing on the piece of paper. “Yes, and I would’ve gotten away with it too, if not for you meddling kids, and that dumb detective.” The two policemen then began to home in on me with handcuffs.
“With that murder confession in place, I declare this case closed.” Clifton pronounced. “Goodbye, Author.”
Thus closed the chapter of the mysterious murder of John Black.
-THE END-
Saving Money
Jan 9th
Contrary to popular belief, money is not in abundance. In fact, the supply of money is steadily decreasing with the burning of money during recession and made worse with rapid deforestation; as more humans decide to kill forest animals with machines, more trees are lost, and hence less money can be printed. With such a huge problem in the present world, economists, physicists, inspiring businessmen and intelligent people have banded together to come up with a wise, ground-breaking philosophy of life: Sàving Monéytm.
Saving Money in everyday life
Take a step into the machine of Saving Money
Walking
Sure, walking might seem like a simple task that just about anyone who has a life does, but what exactly is walking in terms of the philosophy of Saving Money? In accordance to the intelligent philosophy, we must always walk on machines, or rather, let the machines walk us. By doing so, we would be Saving Money. For example, by walking on a walkalator, we would be spending less energy walking and hence we would need less food to cover up for our energy loss. As a predicted result, we would then be Saving Money (on food).
Eating
Buying food in bulks is a fundamentalist policy of Saving Money as illustrated in the experimental sale of chocolates as shown below.
100g of chocolate costs $2, or $0.02/g
300g of chocolate costs $4.50, or $0.015/g
500g of chocolate costs $6, or $0.012/g
The mathematics of "it doesn't matter what answer you get as long as it is palindromic"
By exploiting this loophole of decreasing price, it is theoretically possible that by purchasing a reasonably large amount of chocolate, the discount in the price of the chocolate would offset the original price of the chocolate and hence creating a glitch in the overall price of the chocolate- $0/g of chocolate. But how much would you actually have to purchase? Hired mercenaries have concluded that we would have to purchase 581,010,185kg of chocolates to be able to successfully carry out Saving Money as proven by the below equation.
kg = ∫[√(π+x)-x/x] + (x^x/x)
kg = 581,010,185
Stealing
Stealing is a daily activity often overlooked in everyday life in the aspect of Saving Money. As much as authorities and nerds would tell you stealing doesn’t pay, the all-knowing Saving Money philosophy says otherwise. By stealing, one would be killing two birds with one stone. First of all, you’d be getting off with free money from the bank and therefore Saving (more) Money than you can spend. Secondly, you’d be legally guaranteeing yourself free housing for the rest of your life, therefore Saving Money on your housing rents.
Conclusion
Although practical examples have not been played out, success is nevertheless possible in the future. We can only believe that when success arrives, it would come free, and hence Sàving Monéytm.