Funny Stories
Dhism
The Mysteryous Murder
Jan 31st
The scene of the crime
Introduction
“Clifton! You have to get out here, something big is happening!” I yelled as I burst through the front door.
“Pipe down, Author,” the detective commanded in the calmest of manners. “Tell me, what is it that intrigues you so?”
“I don’t know, but there is a huge crowd gathering right outside your house-”I paused in expectancy of Clifton’s change in expression due to excitement, but it never came. “And… Big crowds have got to mean something-” Clifton didn’t budge. In eagerness to satisfy my curiosity, I dragged Clifton with me through the crowd where we arrived at the scene of the crime.
Murder
What could he be possibly trying to signal?
Lying on the floor staring straight at us was a man who looked like he was in deep pain. With his face cringed, he actively pointed at what looked like a stick protruding out of where all the blood was oozing out of his body. Everyone was puzzled at what the man was trying to signal. Everyone but Clifton.
“Make way,” Clifton demanded, “I’m a detective.”
The fan-girls fainted upon setting eyes on Clifton as he busied himself about the man. With quick wits, Clifton checked for the man’s pulse. After procuring sufficient data, the detective pulled out a knife from his pocket before systematically inserting and removing the knife at numerous areas on the man’s body, with the man all the while pointing at the stick-like object with diminishing intensity. Clifton then proceeded to check for the man’s pulse again before arming himself with an injector filled with a white liquid and injecting it into the man’s body. I watched in admiration as I observed the genius at work. It was truly an honour to be the sidekick of the town’s most prestigious detective.
“It appears that the man is dead.” Clifton proclaimed. The crowd gasped in symphony.
“And the murder weapon is in fact this knife stuck in the man’s body.” Clifton forcefully removed what I once thought was a stick from the man’s chest, revealing a knife. Another gasp rippled through the crowd.
“I would have never guessed!” A bystander commented in amazement. Indeed, Clifton never fails to amaze us with his clairvoyant abilities.
“I’m afraid we will have to do a thorough investigation,” Clifton suggested. “But for now, we must nourish ourselves with lunch. It is already noon! After all, the body will not be going anywhere.”
With that convincing argument, the crowd dispersed trampling over the fainted fan-girls adding to the total corpse count. All except for one man, Mr. Jabs, who stood petrified at the sight of his dear friend’s death.
“Please, detective Clifton, you have to find the murderer.” The poor man pleaded on his knees as he grabbed Clifton’s arms. “John was my best friend… Even though he murdered my wife just yesterday.”
Clifton gently shoved Mr Jabs aside. “Rest assured ancient citizen, the murderer will most definitely be brought to justice for detective Clifton is on the case.”
The old man spent a little more time begging Clifton before we decided that we were wasting too much time. We quickly got rid of him with the help of a little tranquillizing dart and then headed for lunch.
Clue
Clifton and I were confabulating about issues unrelated to the murdered man over lunch when we were rudely interrupted by two policemen. With a tap on Clifton’s shoulder, one of the policeman abruptly ended our conversation and started a new one of his own.
“Detective Clifton, we hear that you are going to be investigating the death of the late John Black.” The policeman affirmed.
“Your sources are reliable, constables.” Clifton answered.
A visual image of the note in the pocket of John's coat.
The policeman then reached into his pocket to pull out a note. “Well, we found this note in the pocket of John Black’s coat and we believe that it is a vital clue pertaining to the man’s murder.” He then began to expound the note:
Dear John, I regret to inform you that due to the recent plummet in crime rate, I am on the verge of being out of my job. This and the fact that I currently owe you a million dollars has put me in a rather uncomfortable financial burden. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that you will have to die in order for me to continue earning money as a detective and on a milder note, so that I will not be in a million-dollar debt. With that said, I am writing to invite you to a party at the dark alley beside my house where nobody can see you as you are being murdered. I hope to see you there!
Clifton then took a few seconds to digest the information before coming up with a meaningful hypothesis.
“From the note, we can safely draw three key points.” Clifton explained: “One, the murderer is in a pathetic financial state. Two, the murderer lied when he said it was a party. And three, the police is doing a good job in keeping the crime rate under control.”
The policemen stood jaw wide-open in awe at Clifton’s immaculate hypothesis. Being Clifton’s proud sidekick, I then tried to add in a few words of my own, “Hey, you missed something. At the bottom of the note, it reads ‘With kind regards, Clifton‘. Does that mean anything?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
Fortunately, the policeman cut into our awkward dialogue by adding a comment of his own. “Very well, detective. We trust that the case is safe in your hands.”
“Also, to help you in your investigation, we have brought in a prime suspect for questioning.” The other policeman said as he dragged a person with his upper-body wrapped in a plastic bag. “We suspect his involvement in the murder of John Black on account of his possession of weapons similar to that of the murder weapon.”
“We found him hiding such weapons in his kitchen’s cabinet.” The policeman added. “We hope that he would be of use to you.” With that, the two policeman took off as swiftly as they came in.
“That was sudden.” I proclaimed. “What do we do with this person?” I then questioned as I pointed at the person struggling to remove the plastic bag that was restraining his movements.
“First, we remove the bag.” Clifton suggested. And that we did, but what we uncovered beneath the plastic mess would change our lives forever.
Suspect
As we unbagged the parcel left to us by the police, the shape of the creature became progressively distinct until we can fully make out it’s bodily features. Then we uncovered the strangest, most peculiarly obnoxious creature wrapped in the piece of plastic- it was a human! And not just any human. It was a human man!
“Oh my god! It is a man!” I shrieked in shock.
Clifton, in his usual composed state, unhurriedly approached the man. “Have you the faintest idea why you are here?” Clifton inquired.
The ol' back street. The place where all good happens.
“I dunno…” The anonymous man appeared dazed. “I was helpin’ me self to some of em’ hospital alcohol in the ol’ back street when those damn coppers showed up. Boy were they cranky. The coppers were nabbing all of em’ alcohol provider when the alcohol kicked in. Next thin’ I knew, it was all black and I couldn’t move any o’ me arms.”
“Ah, clinical alcohol… Good stuff, I hear.” Clifton claimed.
“Aiyee.” The man confirmed. “I still have some of em’ here up for some sharin’ if you wanna. Hell, I’d throw in some of em’ pills, too.”
“Let’s see what you’ve got.” Clifton agreed. That simple yet elegant sentence then sparked a day-long party centred about alcohol and drugs.
After hours of sobering up, Clifton decided it was time to begin politely questioning our party buddy. *Ahem* Clifton cleared his throat in order to grab our attention before making eye contact with the suspect we attained from the policemen. “Did you kill John Black?”
“No.”
“Okay.”
It was then when the still-unnamed man took notice of the note that the policemen left us. ” ‘With kind regards, Clifton‘, eh?” The man raised an eyebrow.
At that moment, the same two policemen barged into our conversation once again. “Detective, we have a problem. The body is missing.”
“Null that. We just received an update. Old man Gobbert has the body. Apparently he is trying to get rid of it.” The other policeman affirmed.
“We have to stop him. Come, Author.” Clifton directed. He then took a glance at the unfortunately still unnamed man before once again speaking. “This man has severe neuropsychiatric and mental instability, it is advisable to put him in a position where professional aid is easily accessible.”
“…What?”
“Get him to the Mental Hospital. Take him away, boys.” Clifton mandated.
The human man, still high on drugs, was then dragged away by the two policemen. “Hahaha! You’ll neva’ get away wit’ this, you murderer. Neva’, I say. Neva! Haha! HAHAHAHA!”
…
“It was rather regrettable we never got to know the name of such a good hippie with drugs, but it is all part and parcel of the life of a private eye, isn’t it, Clifton?” I stated.
Clifton dodged my meaningless question, “Moving on… We have to find out what in the world Mr Gobbert is doing with the corpse.”
Doughnuts
As we drove around the town randomly in hopes of finding the dead body, we wound up at the old man’s house where we saw Gobbert digging a huge hole at his backyard.
“Wow, that hole looks like it is big enough to fit a man.” I commented. “Just big enough to fit in that corpse behind him.”
“A very deductive statement you hypothesised.” Clifton praised. “The only thing you missed is that that corpse behind him is the body of the late John. But one has to question- why is Mr Gobbert, the man who has hated John since his childhood, be bent on getting rid of the body? Could he be the murderer?”
Once again, Clifton’s brilliant questions got me thinking, but I couldn’t take the weight of such a heavy question. My body started heating up and I began to perspire profusely. My head was starting to crack. Every muscle in my body was twitching as if to tell me to get out of this uncomfortable position. I was starting to break down. “Boy, doughnuts would sure come in handy in times like this.” I murmured to myself.
Clifton has solved the mystery!
“Doughnuts! That’s it, Author! Doughnuts!” Clifton yelled in excitement, as if he has managed to solve the case. “Get the doughnuts and meet me at the Mental Hospital at 1000 hours. Remember to get the doughnuts. It is very important that you do. Now, step on it!”
As confused as I was, Clifton’s stirring speech ignited a burning passion within me and I was ready to do my part in solving the case. With as much strength as I could muster, I slammed my right foot onto the pedal. “OUCH!” I screamed. Alas, I was in the passenger’s seat and I had unintentionally stepped on my left foot instead.
Clifton stared at me with a puzzled expression. “What are you doing? You don’t have time to waste with self-inflicted injuries. Get out of the car. You’re making your way there by foot.”
And thus began my journey to solve the mystery of the murder of John Black.
Indie Investigation
Making my way halfway across town towards the doughnut shop, I kept myself occupied by asking myself three questions that I could find no answer to- Why does Clifton need the doughnut? How is the doughnut related to solving the case? Is Mr Gobbert the murderer?
When I finally arrived at the doughnut shop at approximately 0800 hours, I realised that I didn’t know which flavour of doughnut Clifton needed. With quick wits, I decided that I’d buy one of everything available in the shop.
“Wow, I haven’t had anyone buy so many doughnuts since Mr Jabs. What’s the occasion?” The shopkeeper commented.
“Nah, it’s nothing… Just a little crime solving.” I boasted. “What was it about Mr Jabs you were saying again?” I asked casually.
The shopkeeper giggled before answering my question, “Mr Jabs frequents this store very often and orders the doughnuts in huge bulks all the time too. The amount of work I have to put in to get the all the doughnuts ready is humongous, almost murderous”
‘Murderous, huh…’ I thought to myself. ‘Jabs. Murderous. Doughnuts.’ It was all starting to make sense to me.
I have solved the mystery!!!
“That’s it! Mr Jabs is the murderer of John Black!” I bellowed. “I have to report this to Clifton immediately!”
I told the shopkeeper to put it on the tabs before rushing out of the store to catch the first taxi I saw.
The doughnuts, the Jabs, the murder, everything seemed to fall into place so nicely. So that was why Clifton wanted me to get the doughnuts, to set the stage for me to solve the case. However, in spite of the euphoria of solving the case all by myself, I know that my part to play wasn’t over yet. I may have solved the case, but I have yet to convey my realisation to Clifton.
Clifton Finally Closes the Case
When I arrived at the Mental Hospital, I saw that the everyone has already been gathered at the lounge awaiting my arrival. Mr Jabs, Gobbert, the unnamed man (now clothed in a straight jacket) and the usual two conversation-cutting policemen were all seated in a circle, leaving an empty seat in middle for me.
“Take a seat, Author.” Clifton gestured, “Now, I suppose we all know why we’re all gathered here today.” Everyone in attendance nodded their heads slightly in reaction to Clifton’s statement.
Clifton continued, “As we all know, the murder of John Black is still largely a mystery thus far. Let us present all the clues available to us: John was killed at approximately 0400 hours on Wednesday morning. The murder weapon was without a doubt a 26cm knife, and was delivered with a stab to the centre of the chest. However, the autopsy on John’s body also concludes that there was a potentially fatal amount of Potassium Cyanide in John’s body which would have otherwise killed him had he still been alive after being stabbed in the chest. Compiling all these clues, I have drawn that the murderer oh John Black is amongst us. And the murderer is…”
I shot a cold glance at the direction of Mr Jabs before standing up and shouting, “Mr Jabs!”
Clifton looked puzzled. “No he’s not. You are the murderer.”
“B-but, the doughnuts, and the Jabs, and the murder. He has got to be the murderer!” I argued. “Wait, what? I’m the murderer?”
“Oh, the doughnuts are for me. I have yet to thank you for that. Thank you.” Clifton shoved a piece of paper into my hands discreetly and placed a microphone in front of me. “Anyway, you have to stick to the script!”
As I held out the piece of paper on one hand, I began to read into the microphone from the piece of paper, “Indeed, it is I, Author, who have murdered John in the early morning of Wednesday. I was in a pathetic financial state and decided to lie about having a party in order to kill John. Also, the police is doing a good job in keeping crime under control.”
Everyone was dumbstruck. Clifton then prevaricated in awe, “He hit all three of the key points I drew up from the murder note. Why, I never.”
Dumb detective.
Clifton winked at me. I went on reading the rest of the writing on the piece of paper. “Yes, and I would’ve gotten away with it too, if not for you meddling kids, and that dumb detective.” The two policemen then began to home in on me with handcuffs.
“With that murder confession in place, I declare this case closed.” Clifton pronounced. “Goodbye, Author.”
Thus closed the chapter of the mysterious murder of John Black.
-THE END-
Retarded Incest Kids
Oct 18th
Pictures shows three RIKs: =3, gay and ronald macdonald having a gay time.
Retarded Incest Kids, as their name suggests, are retarded kids who have sexual relations with their mother.
This species of the subhuman race are actually a degenerated form of the homosapiens, known to flame blogs with little comprehension of the blog’s contents.
God made us in his image. Who made RIKs? Urologists, the experts in the study of RIKs, believe that such creatures are not invented by God, but by Satan; Their argument being that God will never create animals with such low social standards.
On the plus side, RIKs provide a healthy does of confidence in demoralised youths, by contrast of intellect, looks, health and all aspects of a human being.
Origins
Whether God or Satan created such animals is still much debated. Regardless, studies have shown that such mutations boils down to the exposure one of the following activities:
Deprived childhood
It is believed that having a deprived childhood morphs a presumably normal child into a RIK. Some forms of this activity include having imaginary friends. This is sad because such animals are actually the result of their parents’ poor upbringing and the poor creatures had no say in the business. RIKs who came to be in this way should be pitied.
Excessive video gaming
Due to inborn defects, RIKs are highly impressionable, resulting in severe mental disorder when playing video games.
due to their inborn genetic defects, they are highly impressionable. e.g. a game of Grand Theft Auto could lead to the R.I.K. ( figure that out ) jumping on to the nearest bike and doing drive bys.
It is a matter of fact that video gaming corrupts the minds of human resulting a lot of terrible things, such as a steep drop in grades, suicide, becoming terrorists or in this case, the degeneration into a RIKs.
Roles of RIKs with Humans
Slaves
RIKs make for moderately good slaves. Although their comprehension of the human language is minute, they are still able to understand a small bit of what is said and can carry out human tasks. Of course, this is only applicable to trained RIKs and only when they are fed enough food.
As a food source
RIKs are not a very nutritional source of food. However, they can still be used as emergency food supply for travellers of the sea. Their retardation causes them to react slowly to any sudden change and therefore easier targets as food. The trick is to not think of these creatures as humans because they are not. They should be considered animals or even insects, whichever suits you better.
Biology
There has been a worldwide debate in the past over the RIKs biology. Some believe that RIKs should be considered animals, others believe they should be considered insects, some even go so far as to say they are reptiles. With such widespread confusion, the UN has come to the conclusion that such debates should be ceased as RIKs are unimportant pests. Therefore it is acceptable to classify these creatures as anything you can think of with the exception of ‘humans’.
Mortality
RIKs are known to have a short lifespan of about 2-3 years after their degeneration. Sadly, this is because an average human does not think well of such insects and prefer to avoid them. As these insects suffer from a lack of friendship, they usually fall to depression and hence becoming emo. This process continues for about a year or two at which stage slitting of the wrists occurs. At this stage, death is inevitable.
Reproduction
RIKs reproduce by committing incest with their mothers. When RIKs reach an age where they are sexually able, they immediately kill their father instinctively. This is followed by having sex with their mother (this is applicable regardless of the RIK’s gender as their mothers are hermaphrodite). [See also: Bestiality]
Proof:
your mother: is short, HAD a dick, sucked a dick, gave brith to you(one of the biggest mistake), AND IS A ****ER
I’m so sorry for having you talk about your tragic life
your father: MIA
We all know what you did to him
-Written by an RIK
Other Characteristics
Intelligence
It is unfair to say that RIKs have very low intelligence. In fact, recent studies have shown that RIKs carry a brain slightly superior than that of a sloth. These insects possess a brain capable of speaking the human language, though understanding is another story altogether.
Unfortunately, their primitive brains are still unable to process and detect sarcasm. Moreover, their vocabulary is limited to minor words such as ‘****’, ‘crap’, ‘dick’ etc. Also, their reaction time is very similar to that of a sloth’s digestive system.
This leads us to doubt whether they really are smarter than a sloth. Scientists believe more research has to be done to correctly determine the intellectual abilities of such mysterious creatures.
Communication
RIKs have a rather unique method of communication. They give themselves code names such as ronald macdonald, =3 and Midget You MF, all of which decodes to the same root word ‘Me am stoopid’. Also, as said earlier, these insects have a very limited vocabulary and as a result, are not able to communicate their thoughts efficiently. Nonetheless, we should not mock their communication skills as the task of speaking the human language is already far beyond their primitive capabilities.
Behaviour
RIKs do everything together as a pack. They possess a natural instinct to seek out other RIKs which hastens the process of finding a pack. These creatures are usually spotted in front of the computer, typing random rubbish on the tagbox of blogs.It is believed that these behaviours are inherited through the degeneration of a cyber nerd.
Another peculiar behaviour exhibited by RIKs is the singing of weird songs. Songs such as ‘doing your mom’ are produced and sung by such creatures to show the world how much they’d love to commit incest.
RIKs are best known for failing miserably in cyber-bullying attempts, notably the one exhibited in my tagbox.
Natural Habitat
A RIK has no natural habitat. It does not belong anywhere.
Credits to Avery for giving me the idea to blog about this
The First Human
Sep 18th
Author’s notes: It has come to my attention that because of my Hitler story, everyone is telling me to write about Josef Stalin now. I’m sorry to disappoint you all but I don’t think I can do that. You see, Josef Stalin does not have a rectangular mustache which makes him extremely difficult to write about. It is sad to say, but Stalin’s lack of a weird mustache automatically makes him a bad leader and therefore a man of boredom. Hmm, I might write about him in the future though…
Warning: This story is not for the faint-hearted
Adam and Eve?
Anyway, I’m going to start my post with a show-n-tell session. It is said that God created the first two humans: Adam and Eve. These two humans are therefore titled our primary ancestors. However, this is a very controversial topic. Why were their names (A)dam and (E)ve? What happened to letters B, C and D? What about Arceus, the creator of all Pokemon? Where does Hitler come in? All these questions and more will be answered in the next paragraph.
Satan
Some of you might be wondering ‘How does he know the answer to these things?’ To explain this, I will first share with you a short story. Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived an African boy. This African boy was forced into bonded labour by his parents as their family was very poor. One day, the African boy realised his master was not around. He then panicked. However, he managed to calm himself down and think the situation through. With quick wits, the poor bonded labourer took out his iPhone and dialled ‘999’ for advice. Little did he know that what he dialled wasn’t ‘999’. Because of the intelligence of the smart phone, the boy had actually been tricked into dialling ‘666’ instead.
“I seek advice.” the boy said.
However, his words were distorted due to the poor reception from Earth to Hell and partly because Satan was using the Sony Ericsson W590i handphone (which sucks). As a result, Lucifer had actually misinterpreted his question and thought that he was asking ‘What happened to Adam?’ The devil then proceeded to explain the story…
With advancements in technology, (and a lot of free time because of my 6 day holiday) I have actually managed to decipher this lost message. Therefore, I now know what happened in the past.
“I seek advice.” the boy said.
However, his words were distorted due to the poor reception from Earth to Hell and partly because Satan was using the Sony Ericsson W590i handphone (which sucks). As a result, Lucifer had actually misinterpreted his question and thought that he was asking ‘What happened to Adam?’ The devil then proceeded to explain the story…
With advancements in technology, (and a lot of free time because of my 6 day holiday) I have actually managed to decipher this lost message. Therefore, I now know what happened in the past.
Author’s notes: Yeah, I lied about the questions being answered in the next paragraph, but at least I answered the ‘more’ part. The answers will be found in the rest of the story.
The First Bigender and its Deformation
Satan had explained that the story of Adam and Eve was actually a serious misinterpretation of his unholy bible. In fact, Adam and Eve did not even exist. The truth is that God only created (A)rceus in the beginning. Arceus, with its bigender characteristic, had reproduced with itself creating everything in this world. However, God actually had some spare parts left after he created Arceus and he decided that it was not a good idea to waste his toys. Therefore he pieced the spare parts together to create a genetically deformed clone of Arceus- the (E)mo.
Revelation of the Lost ‘C’ and ‘D’
Arceus and Emo, both being created by God, then became siblings. Of course, their ‘natural’ relationship also meant a natural sibling rivalry. They competed with each other for the title of God’s pet through various methods. The method which most prominently affected the course of history was the reproduction of talented individuals. They knew God was in need of talented pawns at that time as the heavens were in a knowledge-based economy and had to attract foreign talent. With this knowledge in mind, they competed with each other to reproduce talented individuals to gain God’s favour.
Arceus believed that quantity beats quality and mass produced the first generation of Pokémon with that idealism. However, Emo believed that quality beats quantity and spent his entire life working on a single masterpiece.
This reproductive competition continued for a hundred years before Arceus and Emo became old and withered. That was when they realised they had to choose their successors. Arceus chose Mew as its successor while Emo cloned another Emo to take its place. However, Mew and Emo did not have the power to reproduce as they were not bigender like their ancestors. To make things worse, Emo was alone.
Mew solved this problem by commanding its fellow Pokémon to pass on its will. This group of Pokémons will later be known as the (C)ommewnist. On the other hand, Emo did not have such luck; Emo did not have any friends to help him in his quest. However, he managed to solve this problem by cloning himself with his ancestor’s knowledge of cloning (which is sort of pathetic, but at least it works). Emo and his clones will come to be known as the (D)emocratic.
Foreign Intervention- The Birth of ‘A’
The Commewnists believed that the world should follow their idealism: Everyone in this world are equals and everyone should share whatever wealth they have. This meant that the rich had to give up their wealth to the poor which also means that Commewnism symbolises Poor>Rich in terms of mathematical equations.
The Democratics, however, believed that every man should have equal rights and that people should be rewarded for their hard work which means that talented individuals deserve to be richer than talentless Pokémons. Therefore Democracy means Rich>Poor in mathematical terms.
God then became worried over his children’s squabble. This was because the heaven was already moving into a Pokémon-based economy and he no longer needed any talented individuals. (Apparently a lot of Pokémons have died over 100 years and the heaven was already heavily populated with Pokémons). In an attempt to stop the inevitable war between Commewnism and Democracy, God then dug out all his spare toys to create the next generation of Alpha-Humans. Within seconds, his creation was complete. He then sent the new Alpha-Human to Earth to intervene and hopefully stop the war between the two political giants. This new Alpha-Human’s name was (A)dolescence Killer (with reference to my post in 17th Sep 2009).
Nazism
Adolescence Killer brought along with him a new political idealism known as Nazism. Nazism was God’s idea of a new form of politics which combined Commewnism and Democracy. Nazism was the belief that love makes war. This meant that Nazism is bad for both the rich and the poor, hence flawlessly combining both Commewnism and Democracy.
With a third party established, Earth was on the verge of war. This was God’s golden ticket to becoming an award-winning director of a live documentary movie starring the Pokémons, the Emos and the Nazis. This documentary would have a repeat telecast on Earth in the future titled ‘World War 3‘. Be sure to catch it!
The Mystery of the ‘B’
Without warning, the inevitable occurred. Commewnism and Democracy engaged each other in an all out war. The Commewnists were armed with the new ‘Human Rights Critic’ weapon that they have developed specifically to counter the Democracy’s clones. On the other hand, the Democracies stocked up on Masterballs to detain the Commewnist’s Pokémons. With an exchange of ball throwing and complaints of ethical issues, the Political War started. However, neither of the two parties could have expected what happened next- the Nazis joined the fray. With a flashy display of power, the Nazis intervened by releasing their secret weapon- the Green (B)unnies. As the dust settles and the fighting came to a stop, it became apparent that the Commewnists and the Democracies have lost the war. However, what was most surprising was that the Nazis, too, were nowhere to be seen. All that was left were the Green Bunnies which populated the world. This is also the reason why we now see a green Earth from any satellite.
Let us give it up to the Green Bunnies for coming out victorious in the Political War.
(Nazi Salute)
Adolescence Killer
Sep 16th
The Adolescence Killer
Where it all began...
Chapter 1: The Munich Beer Hall
8th Nov 1923, 7.30pm. Munich, Germany, Europe, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way, Galaxy.
A man at the age of 34 years old marched into the Munich Beer Hall. He had no ambitions then but upon stepping into the hall of alcoholics, he had a sudden urge to overthrow the German government. His name was Adolescence Killer.
Stepping onto the first elevated platform he could find, which was a stool, he made himself look more important than the rest of the drunkards. With that authority in place, he hit himself extremely hard in the head to draw the crowd’s attention. All eyes darted towards the man.
“Germans we are! Meaninglessly massacre innocent Jews on the streets we must!” the man commanded.
One might think this was a speech by a man who escaped from a mental hospital but his command of the gift of the gab ignited a passion in the drunkards. This was how Adolescence Killer earned his reputation of being a charismatic speaker.
“Yes, I agree with Sir Killer. We must overthrow the Government.” a voice coming from a man unrelated to the story echoed. With that, the band of German drunkards started chanting “Grmn! Jw! Kll!”
Killer thought that he had the drunkards in the palm of his hands, but alas! Several men dressed in jumpsuits stormed the Beer Hall.
“Freeze!” the man with the most badges on his jumpsuit screamed at Adolescence Killer “This is the FBI. We have been invading your privacy for the past 34 years and it has come to our attention that your name is repulsive. I’m afraid we have to arrest you.”
“But-” Killer tried to defend himself.
“We insist.” the FBI agent cut him off as he shot Killer with his stun gun. ‘This stun gun is fun, I need to find more of these mentally ill criminals to toy with’ the FBI agent thought.
That act of playfulness closed the chapter of the day that will forever be known as the Munich Putsch, or the Beer Hall Putsch.
A simple gesture that gives you hope that one day, you too, might be able to fly like a plane or a bird.
Chapter 2: The Nazi Salute
We continue our fairytale with Killer being brought to trial.
“Well, well, what do we have here?” a boy sporting a judge wig mocked Killer as he hammered the gavel (the judge hammer). “Adolescence Killer: Charged with the crime of being a sexual maniac. You have raped over 5 dead human bodies, all of which are decaying. What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Pardon me, but I’m afraid we are not on the same channel. What were you referring to when you said ‘dead human bodies’?” Killer questioned.
At that moment, an old man who looked like he had his wig stolen whispered into the ear of the boy who was still producing the annoying monotonous hammering noise with the gavel.
“Ahem.” The boy cleared his throat, “I will only repeat myself once more. You have a retarded name which is a violation of the clause… uhh…” The boy then pauses because he realised that there was no such law against having a repulsive name. “Your name is a threat to my mortal existence, therefore you deserve to die.”
“Aryan, I am! Live, I must!” Killer proclaimed.
The boy, being charmed by Killer’s killer speech, was dumbfounded.
“Alright, since you are unrepetentant, I will sentence you to life in a suite.” The boy finally decided after an hour when he finally pulled himself together. The startled old man behind the boy was leaning towards him when the boy suddenly spoke again. “Sentenced to a prison you will be.”
The boy, wanting to look heroic to Killer, then showed Killer his imitation of Superman’s ‘flying pose’.
This was how the ‘Nazi salute’ came to be.
Killer was then escorted to a prison where he was sentenced to live in solitude for the rest of his life- or so you may think.
Chapter 3: The Birth of Adolf Hitler
Day 1 of Killer’s life in prison:
Everywhere he looked, he only saw the grey shades of the stone walls. Everything looked gloomy. Everyone wore the look of men who were locked in prison.
He thought that his life was going to end in boredom and was already planning on suicide when he was brought to the concrete door to his bunk. With a loud thud, the door was flung wide open. Killer’s jaws dropped in disbelief. Anybody would have been surprised by the amazing sight presented at that moment- the room was brightly lit with pink bunny wallpapers, the entire floor was blanketed by a pink carpet with designs that matched the wallpaper, soft toys made up the bulk of the decorations in the room- the picture of paradise. However, this was not what surprised Killer. What surprised him was the capybara in the center of the suite room.
Control your hormones!
It was love at first sight. The capybara ran straight towards Killer, who welcomed the furry rodent by opening his arms. The guards who were escorting Killer then left the two lovers to each other in their warm embrace as they marched out of the room. A typical happily ever after story? I think not.
Month 8 of Killer’s life in prison:
Killer and the capybara are still embracing each other affectionately as they had done from Day 1. Killer, with his amazing talent of speaking the human language, had actually managed to teach his fiance, the capybara, how to speak English.
“Capybara thinks Killer should change his name.” his fiance adviced Killer on that fateful day “Capybara does not want ‘Adolescence’ as her first name. Retarded it is.”
After twelve hours of deep thought, Killer replied “You are right, honey. I should change my name. I was thinking of a name somewhere along the lines of ‘Barack Obama’.”
“It sounds very much like a name of a person who will achieve political power.” Barrack Obama said. “However, ‘George Bush’ sounds like a good name too.”
“What do you think?” George Bush asked his fiance.
“How about Adolf Hitler?” the capybara suggested.
“Adolf Hitler it is!”
“Adolf Hitler it is!”
On that note, Adolf Hitler was born.
Chapter 4: The Policy of Appeasement
Upon Hitler declaring his change of name, the walls of his suite collapsed, revealing three doors. These were the supposedly the doors to Hitler’s destiny. To the left of Hitler was a shiny metallic silver door which read ‘The Door to Happiness’. The door with a 90° bearing from Hitler was coated in flames and read ‘The Door to Eternal Youth’. The last door, which was directly in front of Hitler, was made of flowers and read ‘The Door to the start of WWII’. Now, one might think that Hitler would choose to take either the door to his left or the door to his right, but this was not the case. After all, Hitler was not a man to be reasoned with.
“We are free, my lady!” Hitler exclaimed “Let us go for our honeymoon.”
“We are free, my lady!” Hitler exclaimed “Let us go for our honeymoon.”
With a light heart, Hitler made a 180° turn and swung open the concrete door which linked his suite to the rest of the prison (which was neither of the three doors mentioned above). On high morales, he craddled his fiance with his left arm and marched out of his suite, saluting the prison guards with the ‘Nazi salute’.
Hitler and the capybara’s love for each other (in the form of embracing each other for 8months straight) had immobilised the guards to the point of petrification. No, they were not petrified by the fear of catching Hitler’s madness. They were petrified by power of the couple’s love. The disease of madness emitted by Hitler was overshadowed by the deep bond formed between the two and had convinced the guard to allow Hitler to roam free. They had appeased Hitler by allowing him to get away with having an unnatural relationship with an animal.
This event marked the start of the Policy of Appeasement.
Chapter 5: The Mustache, Satan and Paris Hilton
Time flies when you’re having fun. This was exactly what happened when Hitler and the capybara were together. Hitler and the capybara have been travelling westwards by foot while still maintaining the ‘Nazi salute’ for over five years. (This was because Hitler was a direction idiot and it just so happens that the exit of the prison was facing west) Their love for each other had withstood the test of time (and severe exhaustion) and it was almost as if nothing could break them up. As creepy as it might sound, it is true; Hitler has had an intimate relationship with an animal for almost six years.
“Honey, it is almost our six year anniversary. Don’t you think it is time for us to get to the actual part of our honeymoon?” Hitler suggested.
“Right you are. Settle down at the next hotel we must.” The capybara agreed.
It was then when they actually realised they were in Paris, France, Europe, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way, Galaxy. Hitler and the capybara strolled with elegance into the first hotel that came to their sight. However, their stylish front held no meaning to the disdainful eyes of the public. This was because of two very apparent reasons: 1) Hitler was dressed in a tattered inmate uniform and the capybara was dressed in… fur. 2) A man and a capybara are together for God’s sake!
The capybara became the centre of attention in the hotel. Eyes darted in the direction of the capybara. Piercing stares hit the capybara from every angle. The capybara was being attacked from all sides. If looks could kill, the capybara would have been dead. However, in an unfortunate turn of events, it actually killed the capybara.
“Hitler, come closer…” The capybara cried in a weak voice. Hitler, still being dazed over the questionable fragility of his fiancé, leaned over as he was told. “Marry me before my death.”
“Marry you I will.” Hitler exclaimed.
Out of the blue, a pastor dressed in a white cloak stepped forward to witness the official marriage ceremony.
“Will you, Hitler, take…” the pastor paused, “pardon me, but may I know the name of this beautiful… umm, lady?”
“What are you, an idiot? Her name is obviously…” Hitler bellowed. “Dear, what’s your name again?” Hitler asked his wife.
“My name is-” the capybara coughed. (Take note the capybara is completely ignoring the fact that Hitler is marrying her despite not knowing her name)
“I now pronounce you husband and rodent.” The pastor interrupted, “You may now kiss the beast.” With that, the pastor ran out of the hotel crying (in disgust).
Hitler proceeded to do as he was told and kissed his wif- I mean rodent. Just as their lips met, the capybara finally died. However, this was not the end of the ordeal.
Their awkward position has resulted in Hitler’s mustache being tangled in the capybara’s teeth. “I’ll be taking this as a souvenir.” Hitler’s wife came back to life for a moment and ripped off the two ends of Hitler’s mustache before ‘dying’ again.
“No! No, no, no, no, no! How could this happen to me!” Hitler cried out. Hitler was in a confused state. He did not know how to deal with his wife’s sudden death. “Hate the world I will! Start a war in Europe I must!” Hitler stormed out of the hotel with a cold, hard stare at the murderers of his wife- the French.
This untold history marked the creation of four events that will eventually be known worldwide.
The capybara ripped off the sides of Hitler’s mustache leaving a quadrangular mustache which would soon become a symbol of Nazism.
The undying bestial love-forever engraved upon the exteriors of the quadrangular bushes.
Hitler became so obsessed with revenge that he came to political power six years later and soon after, fought WWII against France.
This resulted in the creation of the number combination ‘666’ which would later be known as the mobile number of Satan. This combination of numbers is actually derived from Hitler’s 6th anniversary with the capybara, Hitler coming to power 6 years later, and Hitler screaming ‘no’ 6 times after the death of his wife.
The French, being startled by the man’s awesome speaking skills, then dedicated the name of the hotel to Adolf Hitler. This was the birth of ‘Paris Hilton’. (Apparently, the French did not know how to spell ‘Hitler’)