Funny Stories
Dhism
Pop
Jul 11th
Basically, this is just a post on pops. It goes like this…
Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pip, ooops Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop
Procrastination
Dec 23rd
In my defence…
I was just about to update this post- I really wanted to. It isn’t exactly my fault… Blame it on the series of unfortunate events that unfolded all so suddenly.
Oh, so you think you're special just because your fingers joined up, huh? Well, you're not! And quit smiling.
I yearned for a quiet, peaceful time…
to just sit down and write an article, but the table clock was ticking too loudly and it was disrupting my work. Being patient and all, I tried to make the clock quiet down by staring at it for a couple of hours but it wasn’t intimidated. In fact, it even provoked me. I just had to remove it.
With that annoyance out of the way…
I thought I was finally able to write a good article but it came to my attention that my turtle was getting restless, trying to climb out of it’s tank. It almost seemed like it was calling out to me, telling me to take it out on a walk. I felt all guilty for keeping it captive in it’s tank and went into deep thought about animal cruelty before I decided to put on it’s leash and bring it out of the house for a little stroll.
It was all my turtle’s fault…
that it couldn’t walk fast enough. The driver did the old ‘hit-and-run’ when he saw my turtle jaywalking and before I knew it, my turtle was squashed. I took a second to admire the goo on the road when I realised that this just gave me even more work to do. I had to take down the license plate number of the car so that I can earn some quick cash from the local lawyer and then mourn for my turtle and stuff.
What's with all the fallen leaves on the road? Mother Nature must be telling me not to write an article.
I was cleaning up the mess my turtle made on the road…
when I saw that the road sweepers aren’t doing their job. Looking at all the fallen leaves on the road, I thought I should be a good citizen and clean up the road for the good of the people.
The road stretched longer than I thought…
and before I knew it, it was already 6pm and everyone knows you can’t make a post when it is 6pm.
Anyway, give me some time. I’m sure I’ll work on this post tomorrow.
Part Time Job
Dec 8th
So… My friend has been telling me to blog about work the entire day so I guess I’ll do it. After all, it’s a refreshing new change from the usual satirical articles I usually write. (Not to insult anyone’s intelligence but apparently some people think they are facts. Wow.)
As I was saying, I got a part time job yesterday(!) although I’m unemployed now. My job was to wrap some pathetic oval stickers around green apples for Starhub. I heard the apples are to be distributed to innocent passers-by in Orchard, so if you happen to pass-by Orchard and a not-so-innocent kid forced to wear a T-shirt with a Starhub logo managed to push an apple into your hands, you know what not to do. Of course, this is with the assumption that you are a regular person, leading a regular life, with a regular family and you do not want to die of food poisoning after consuming an apple sponsored by Starhub in Orchard Road any time soon.
Anyhow, the working conditions were horrible! I had to work under the constant threat of experiencing hazardous injuries. I’m practically risking my life with work. Furthermore, worker welfare is given very modest attention to. The employer selfishly refused to give me medical compensation when I suffered a life-threatening paper cut when peeling off stickers too fast. It was almost like a sweat shop in the warehouse I was working at -exactly like a sweat shop, except that we were paid more money than usual, and a huge fan was facing us the entire time me and my friends were seated in a circle engaging in a casual conversation, and we are not given quotas at all.
Speaking of casual conversations, after one of those casual conversations abruptly ended when our employer came over to check on us, I drifted into deep thought (staring into space) when I tried to sleep with my eyes open. That was when it struck me. X-Ray vision is possibly one of the most stupid superpower one could ever wish for; you’ll just die from insomnia.
At any rate, as you might have already guessed, I got paid for being useless. Okay, so I don’t get as much money for being useless as an unemployed British citizen does, but I got paid nevertheless.
Round-a-bout
Oct 3rd
Author’s notes: Damn it, I don’t have time to update my blog until maybe Monday.
I guess I’ll just write a really short one as a filler although that would be very hard since I can’t exactly get to the point.
Anyway, I’d like to boast about my prelim results!
What are your preliminary examination results?
If you ask me, my prelims results is actually nothing to be proud of. It is only means of preparing me for the ‘o’ levels which is, by the way, an official exam that is recognised world wide. It is an exam in where people who have bigger brains than those living in the UK gather to show the world how dumb the people in UK really are.
That’s very nice, but what are your prelim results?
Once again, my prelims results are actually a preview of the real exam that is the ‘o’ levels. This is actually a very interesting fact because the prelims is actually supposed to be tougher than the actual exams just to trick the students into wanting to do better for their o’s. This is very ironic because many students get really upset when they do badly during the prelims and this affects their actual ‘o’ level results.
For God’s sake, what the hell are your prelim results?
I do not believe that my prelim results are capable of bringing heaven and hell together. However, I believe that anything is possible with God around. If my prelim results are godly enough, it might be possible to bring hell into the equation no matter how tough it sounds. There is no barrier that God, as well as us, cannot overcome.
Why can’t you just tell me your prelim results?
Please refer to the 2nd paragraph.
Funeral
Sep 30th
We are gathered here today to commemerate the death of a dear friend, Pilot G-2, the blue pen. G-2 was called back to the plastic recycling industry on the 29th Sep 2009.
Let us see what the unrepentant murderer has to say.
Shuxin: It’s just a pen, deshun. It’s just a pen!
May God forgive this woman for she has sinned.
Ladies and gentlemen, let us first ignore those words of defiance and hear what some of our other reliable sources have to say.
Deshun: G-2 has been a helpful and meaningful partner to me. It has been a wonderful addition to my life by providing me with the ability to produce literature. Although you are redundant with the invention of Microsoft Words, you will still be forever in my heart. Once again, I’m sorry for leaving you on the table G-2. I shouldn’t have left you alone and astray, susceptible to external forces of brutality from Shuxin. Please forgive my blunder.
Avery: I’m not sure I like the taste. G-2 is no cigarette, it’s not important.
Adolf Hitler: I am critisised for killing Jews and starting WW2 but what is this compared to what Shuxin has done? Just look at her- she killed deshun’s pen! What is the world coming to when I am critised in my death but Shuxin isn’t?
-World peace.
G-2: For the hundredth time, I’m not dead! My handle’s broken off, that’s all!
Business Plan
Sep 16th
This advertising thing sure pays off. I managed to get people to visit my blog by going around school and telling anybody I see to visit my blog, and sending messages to everyone I see online on msn. I wonder if people will actually continue reading it in the future. Hmm…
Okay, time for the actual post.
I just went to northpoint and Kenneth made me realise there are actually people who come up with unorthodox business plans. At the first basement of northpoint, you can actually see two ‘ZPT’ (it is actually a shop that sells chinese medicine I think) branches within 20m of each other. Yes, some of you might think this is completely meaningless, unintelligent, senseless, idiotic, and all in all a pass-proof plan but I care to think otherwise. This can be seen as their ingenious way of advertising by spending money unwisely out of their pockets. You see, they are actually showing their care and concern for people who are not able to spot their first branch which is situated beside the escalator by setting up a second branch 20 steps away. Indeed, one might think such people with extreme cases of myopia are downright hopeless and do not deserve to be cared for but ZPT is actually trying to make these people their customers. They are putting the phrase ‘customers come first’ to an extreme which is, in a way, good (to the little customers they have). Therefore the next time you think that situating two branches at the basement level of a small shopping centre within 20m of each other is completely meaningless, unintelligent, senseless and idiotic, think again. It is, in fact, outrageously retarded.
I just went to northpoint and Kenneth made me realise there are actually people who come up with unorthodox business plans. At the first basement of northpoint, you can actually see two ‘ZPT’ (it is actually a shop that sells chinese medicine I think) branches within 20m of each other. Yes, some of you might think this is completely meaningless, unintelligent, senseless, idiotic, and all in all a pass-proof plan but I care to think otherwise. This can be seen as their ingenious way of advertising by spending money unwisely out of their pockets. You see, they are actually showing their care and concern for people who are not able to spot their first branch which is situated beside the escalator by setting up a second branch 20 steps away. Indeed, one might think such people with extreme cases of myopia are downright hopeless and do not deserve to be cared for but ZPT is actually trying to make these people their customers. They are putting the phrase ‘customers come first’ to an extreme which is, in a way, good (to the little customers they have). Therefore the next time you think that situating two branches at the basement level of a small shopping centre within 20m of each other is completely meaningless, unintelligent, senseless and idiotic, think again. It is, in fact, outrageously retarded.
Since I only spent about 15minutes writing that, I think I should write some more to kill more time. I have no idea whether or not I should continue to write about pokemon in this blog. It sounds like a cool idea and all (since everyone loves stories), but not every 16 year old likes pokemon (God, please forgive these people for they have sinned). Just so you know, I don’t have a religion. I pray to Arceus, the creator of all pokemon. (I don’t know how to pronounce Arceus’ name, but that is what makes it so mystical)
I hope this blog would actually keep me entertained. I have nothing to do now that I have a 6 day holiday and I have finished watching and rewatching One Piece 3 times, Naturo 4 times, Bleach 2 times, Hitman Reborn 2 times, Hunter X Hunter 3 times already. I left out the names of less popular animes since we all know Singaporeans only ever follow the fad and tune out everything else they have never heard of. I’m sorry, but this is the cold, hard truth. (God, please forgive these people once again).
I’m going to end my blog post on a softer note with ‘Michael Jackson’ because these two words make everyone go ‘haha! pedophile!’. Go ahead, laugh. Laugh while you still can. He will be back once again. He will return from the graves and zombie-dance into ‘Thriller’.
My First Pokemon Encounter
Sep 15th
I decided to create (or revamp) my blog after reading Avery’s blog posts. His random posts and lack of a proper background for his blog has totally inspired me to create this blog. Of course, my blog’s url is totally original (please do not look at Avery’s blog’s url). Now that the meaningless introduction is done with, it is time to move on to the more important part of the post: the actual website that displays in chronological order the postings by one or more individuals and usually has links to comments on specific postings.
Since this is supposed to be a diary about my life, lets start with the day I was born.
DAY 3650 (which is actually 365days x 10, or in standard form, 3.65 x 10³days):
It is my tenth birthday (ignore the contradictions). The old man Professor Oak gave me a tongue lashing for venturing into the tall grass. He was attacked by a pikachu soon after (hah! serves him right). Fortunately, he managed to detain the wild pikachu by throwing a single ball at it. I was amazed at his skills of being able to detain aggressive yellow mice by throwing balls at it despite his old age.
It is my tenth birthday (ignore the contradictions). The old man Professor Oak gave me a tongue lashing for venturing into the tall grass. He was attacked by a pikachu soon after (hah! serves him right). Fortunately, he managed to detain the wild pikachu by throwing a single ball at it. I was amazed at his skills of being able to detain aggressive yellow mice by throwing balls at it despite his old age.
Anyway, he then brought me to his lab because he felt it was ‘unsafe’ (the chronic disease of fragility that comes from old age must be getting to him). After a long and boring conversation with Gary and old man Oak, the professor actually gave me the Pikachu that just attacked him (I think we are going to be really good friends ;]). Gary being a jealous brat then suddenly started shouting at his granddad. ‘Hey Oak dude, what about me?’. blah blah blah…
After Gary and the professor had their share of each other’s fists (which is unrelated to my virtual life by the way), Gary then waged a Pokemon battle with me. (this is how our love for each other as rivals resulted in war, with reference to my blog url)
He then sent out a mammalian creature with brown fur to battle my electric mouse. The professor then started playing the ‘battle music‘ all of a sudden. Anyway, Gary was being an idiot and ordering his Eevee to use tail whip. I started laughing at his pathetic battle plan. I mean, how can making his Eevee wag its tail actually do my Pikachu damage? My pikachu obviously swept the floor with its thundershock against the eevee’s inferior tail whip. My Pikachu then gained experience and achieved a level up.
This became a turning point in my life. I then pressed start and hit the save button of my life. The colours of the pokemon world then began to fade away into darkness.
(In case Gary is reading this, I am not refering to you in any way)
Has anyone ever wondered why there isn’t any real animals in the Pokemon world? I wonder what the people there eat… Pokemon delicacies don’t really look very appetising. Speaking of delicacies, news of Michael Jackson‘s death is dying down. There goes the last of his fame. However, there is some good that came out of this. His family is probably earning a lot of money out of his death now. Come to think of it, his family is actually really lucky, they do not have to pay for putting his name on the obituary. Anyway, Michael Jackson is a great person although he may be a pedophile, a grey (white+black) and have appearred countless times on Scary Movie. He actually donates to charity and stuff, and he managed to love kids while preventing war.
Wow, this blog thing really kills time. Sure helps a lot with a physics paper coming up tomorrow. I think it is time to do something resourceful now… I’ll go start advertising my blog.