Author’s notes: Sorry, I gave up on both Stalin and Murder because I realised the post sucks. =[

I’m going to write about something more interesting this time.

Disclaimer: This post is meant purely for entertainment purposes and is in no way encouraging inhumane acts of bullying.
Introduction

Abuse of domestic workers, or maids as you like to call it, have been a hot topic on the newspapers these days. It is sad to say that people, in Singapore especially, have been caught following the trend of Maid Abuse. These Singaporeans are morons. To rectify this problem, I will dedicate this post to educate readers on the necessary skills required to carry out Abuse of Maids.
How-tos – The Comprehensive Guide to Maid Abuse

Step 1: Hire a maid
This is the most important step to the guide. To do this, you may walk into the nearest maid agency and have your pick at the one which most satisfies your lust to torture. All the maids might look like they have more or less an equal amount of skill within them but do not be fooled. There are usually some who do not have a good command of the English language. Understanding their cries of sadness is a plus.
Note: There have been talks of some people with low intellectual abilities who mistakenly leave out this step and this has resulted in epic failure. So be sure to do this right.
Step 2: Go Shopping
This step might seem redundant to some seeing that people who read this post would already have tools of torture already lined up in their house. However, this would serve as a reminder for the average psychopath and is actually a very important step for first time maid abusers. Get ready your shopping bags and walk on to the nearest convenience store. Convenience stores such as 7-11 and Cheers (ironically) sell all sort of weapons required for near-murderous acts so you do not have to look far.
Axes and spears work better than the standard kitchen knife. However, vegetables would also suffice as a torture device because everyone hates vegetables. Ropes and handcuffs are mandatory. Duct tapes are useful too, but not entirely necessary.
I have received feedback that some people like to use onions to tender up their victims by allowing them to tear first. You might want to try that when you gain more experience.
Tips: Be sure not to grab guns of any sort because it would be too obvious a violation of the law and you would be caught before you have the chance to do anything substantial. Axes and spears are okay, but not guns.
Step 3: Spike the Drink
(Important!) People usually skip this step because they feel that they would be able to man-handle their maids easily. That way of thinking is wrong and might get you jailed. Do not leave out this step!
Spiking the drink is a very simple process. To do that you must first acquire some drugs from the local hippie. If you don’t know where the hippies are, just look for some dark, deserted corner in an alley. They will be there. If you are a wimp and dare not step into the alleys, do not fret. You can still pick the less cost-effective option and buy packs of sleeping pills from the local clinic.
With the drugs in your hand, carefully place the drugs into a bottle of fluid and stir it until it dissolves.
Tips: Try not to use plain water. Humans are known to be observant when it comes to drinking murky water. A can of Coca Cola is readily available and usually costs less than a dollar, it’s all worth the money. Also, remember to label the cup that you spiked ‘spiked’. You do not want to spike yourself by accident.
Step 4: The Abuse

If you are at this step, congratulations! You are well on your way to becoming a homicidal maniac!
After allowing your maid to consume the spiked drink, wait for a few minutes before she dozes off into unconsciousness. A good hippie would provide you with a drug with almost instantaneous effects but the corrupt doctors probably wouldn’t be as generous. Wait for 15 minutes tops, and if she still hasn’t fainted, make her another cup of those magically delicious drinks. Do not be impatient and feed her too much, you don’t want her to die yet.
When she has fainted, this is your chance to act. The helpless fool is now defenceless against your superiority because you followed my guide properly. With your maid unconscious, find means of restricting her movements. This is where the ropes and handcuffs come in. Tie her onto a chair or to a table depending on your obscene fetishes.
Get ready your weapons because this is where the fun starts! With your preferred weapon in hand, scrape a blackboard repeatedly until your maid awakens. At this point, she would already feel tortured because the first thing she saw when she woke up would be your face.
From here, it is all free-style. Proceed to do whatever entertains your sick mind!
Tips: Make sure that your house is sound-proof and all your curtains are closed before you proceed with this step. You do not want to get caught.
Troubleshooting
So your maid managed to escape; a stalker took a photo of you abusing your maid; you bragged about the ‘fun’ time you had with your maid to the police and he arrested you. In conclusion, you are screwed.
First things first, I’d like to put in few words: Haha! You got caught! Hahaha!
It might seem like are in a really difficult position right now but you do not have to worry. On the bright side, this means you are now guaranteed a ticket into free lodging and food for up to five years. However, if you are stubborn and want to pay for your own house and food, you can still follow the rest of the guide.
Do the following:
1) You can find a lawyer without a sense of justice to help you with your case. Like many other maniacs who were caught abusing their maids, you could claim that ‘the maid hit herself’ or ‘I tripped and fell on a flat surface and accidentally landed on my maid while wearing spiked clothings’. Your lawyer will help you spice up your tale.
This doesn’t always work as the judge might not be very gullible. If so, proceed to 2).
2) You might want to proceed to ask the judge out on a date. Work your charms on the judge and try to get into a relationship as soon as possible. This will definitely help you to at least reduce your jail term.
Do not try this if the judge is of the same gender as you are. It will have the opposite effect. If this is the case, proceed to 3)
3) Write a cheque of a value of exactly $666 and pass it to the judge discreetly claiming that you are ‘sending your regards’.
If this fails too, I’d like to congratulate you for being an amazingly pathetic failure.

Author’s notes: Sorry I didn’t update for 2 days. My 6 day holiday is over so I don’t really have much time to write now. =/
Author’s notes: You guys should visit Avery’s and maybe Amira’s blogs. Their posts are great.