Oops, I guess this tattooist messed up while tattooing the block of wood. No matter- this is a common occurence in tattooing.

It’s just like any other morning. You wake up, walk towards the sink to brush your teeth. Then, you look at the mirror and tell yourself “I need to mindlessly spend money to aggravate self inflicted pain by permanently scarring myself in the name of ‘art’. I need a tattoo.”

Surely your next reaction would be to drop that thought and carry on with your life, brushing your teeth. But wait! Have you ever considered the benefits of getting a tattoo? No? Well, you should. There are numerous reasons why you should spend that money to torture yourself rather than wasting it on lame meagre necessities like food.

Why get a tattoo?

Strengthen your vocal chords

First things first, although this might seem obvious, getting a tattoo strengthens your vocal chords. You’ll be screaming at the top of your lungs at all times during the tattooing process. It would be surprising if you didn’t become a good singer after getting a tattoo. Look at all the lead singers of world-class bands, they all have tattoos. Yes, now you know…

Ethicality

For the most part, tattooists are sadists. Honestly, tattooists are usually failed dentists who take up art so that they can still inflict pain on people in exchange for money. Tattooing is usually done by stabbing certain parts of the body with coloured humming pens to create pieces of art on people like yourself. Naturally, the stabbing element is completely unnecessary, but that’s where the ethical part comes in. By getting a tattoo, you are actually providing pleasure to the tattoo artist.

A second benefit is that by spending money on tattoos, you are not spending that extra money on a burger in McDonald’s. Hence seizing McDonald’s child labour funding. Therefore by getting a tattoo, you are able to clear your conscience knowing that you are doing good to the society.

Look cool

It is time to face the music- you are not fashionable, and you never will be. By the time you actually bother to get clothes to replace your old piece of cloth, ape-men would be wearing it to keep up with their trend. A tattoo however, eliminates the need to be fashionable. With a tattoo, you will no longer need clothes to show off to your friends how cool you think you are. Just walk around half-naked. (If policemen aren’t around, of course. But that’s irrelevant. We’re talking about tattoos, not getting into trouble with the law.)

Who knows? If you are lucky enough, you might even get permanent brain damage from excessive pain and this might actually allow you to be trendy.

Save lives

This point is often overlooked by many. For the benefit of people who lack general knowledge, tattooing comes with it the inconspicuous threat of skin cancer. By getting a tattoo, you are putting yourself in the position of a guinea pig for the thousands of people behind you who, too, want a tattoo. If by an off chance you die of skin cancer, everyone would realise the evils of tattooists and tattooing and decide not to get a tattoo, hence saving their lives. Not to mention, you’ll be worshipped as a hero who died for them!

Conclusion

With all the benefits of getting a tattoo, there is no reason for anyone to not get a tattoo. In fact, you should get a tattoo today! Fortunately, I know a cost-efficient, fool-proof way of getting a tattoo with no repercussions. No, this is not a voluntary tattoo TV show, nor is it a tattooist examination hall in jail. This is Dhism’s very own…

No, I’m not trying to cheat money from suckers such as yourself. I would never stoop so low.

That’s not my dentist uniform lying on the floor of my house either…

Wait, come back.

Damn.