You’ve managed to live off your parents’ pay for most of your life. However, lately, it came to your attention that maybe free loading off your parents isn’t all to your life. Apparently when you’re 16, you finally realised you have a crush on Stacy, the hottest girl in school. Fear not, even you can get together with Stacy.

Step 1: Relax

You will need this if you ever want to get together with Stacy

This should be easy for any idiot to do, but no- not for you- you are a rarity. You are a special idiot. Now, that’s not a bad thing. Being as special as you are, you have a more efficient form of relaxing. All you have to do is carry out the ‘relaxing exercise’.

Don’t worry about the name of the exercise having too many syllables for you to pronounce, it is actually simpler than you can imagine (and that’s really simple). First of all, extend your right hand straight in front of you palm facing up, perpendicular to your body. Next, place an egg on your right hand. Lower your head until the egg is at eye level. Now bring the egg to your head as quickly as you can. Repeat with as many eggs as you can find. Maybe could use the ones from the garbage dump outside the supermarket as well.

You’re feeling all gooey and reek of rotten eggs now? That’s relaxation. Congratulations, you’re well on your way to getting together with Stacy.

Step 2: Don’t think about Stacy

This is the most important step to getting together with Stacy. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so the more you not think about her, the more you’ll like her. Forget that Stacy exists. Don’t talk to her in school, pretend she isn’t there when she walks past you in school. Stacy doesn’t seem to be affected? Perhaps Stacy is giving you the same treatment because she has a crush on you too. Yes, that’s it. You should go tell her that she has a crush on you. Stacy would be so excited to know that.

Step 3: Confront Stacy

Before you do anything, first do the ‘relaxing excercise’. It is very important that you do. Now go look for Stacy.

Hey look, that’s Stacy over there walking into the girl’s showers. Go bump into her to get her attention. Quick! Before she goes through the door.

Aw, you missed her. Now you’re stuck outside of the girl’s shower when Stacy is inside. Never mind that, since you came all this way to talk to her, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if you walked into the showers to say hi. After all, you’re bringing her good news letting her know that she has a crush on you. Go ahead, step into the showers.

Step 4: Tell Stacy the good news

Tell Stacy the good news. She'll be so touched that you came all the way here just to tell her.

You’re standing behind Stacy, she doesn’t know you’re there, idiot. Get her attention; say ‘hi’ just like how you would start a regular conversation.

Idiot: “Hi Stacy.”

Stacy: “Eeek!”

Hmm… She doesn’t look too happy to see you. Oh yeah, that’s right. She doesn’t know she has a crush on you yet. Tell her.

Idiot: “Stacy, I have good news!”

Stacy: “What are you doing here?!”

Idiot: “You have a crush on me! Isn’t that great?”

Stacy doesn’t look too pleased. Maybe this is too much information for her. You should give her some time to take in the good news.

Step 5: Impress Stacy

Apparently Stacy wasn’t too excited when she heard the good news. That’s just a minor setback. Show her your good side and she’ll surely come begging to get together with you.

See the prostitue over there? Yes, go pay her some $50 and come back to where Stacy is. Trust me. I’m with you remember?

Come on… At least get a prostitute that is straight. What’s with that transexual? -Sigh- I guess that’ll do. Go to the bench in the canteen where Stacy is sitting and flaunt your new girlfriend. Show her how popular you are with the ladies and she’ll be so impressed that she’ll be begging you to get together with her. Then you can tell her “You’ve had your chance. It’s too late now.” and watch as she scurries away crying.

What? She’s not paying attention to you? Well, maybe you should let her know you have a girlfriend now. Show her your prostitute.

Idiot: “Hey Stacy, guess what?”

What’s that asshole doing sitting intimately close to Stacy? You have to do something about it. And quick. Show her your girlfriend now.

Idiot: “Look Stacy, I have a girlfriend now. You don’t have a chance at me anymore. Aren’t you jealous?”

Asshole sitting intimately close to Stacy: “Hey Stacy, who is this?”

That asshole just stood up. Wow, he’s huge. Wait, that’s Mark, the captain of the football team! Oh, you’re in trouble now. It’s time to make a tactical retreat. Run! Run now. Leave your prostitute behind as a scapegoat. Put your $50 to use.

Step 6: Show Stacy you really love her

Tell her you love her

Stacy is only acting like that because she doesn’t know you love her yet. Show it to her. And what better way to do that than to grab explosives and hide it under your jacket. Don’t worry about the expenses. It is only a minor sacrfice to make to get together with Stacy. After all, if you couldn’t have Stacy, noone else should. It is only the mature thing to do. Put on your jacket. It’s time to do it.

This time, do the ‘relaxing excercise’ on Mark first. It will help ease his grumpiness so that you’ll avoid reliving the emberassing scene from before again. He looks even grumpier than before? I guess the ‘relaxing excercise’ doesn’t work on everyone. Make a run for it or all your effort would have been put to waste. No, not that way! Run towards Stacy.

There she is! Make sure you are clearly in her sight before you do anything.

Idiot: “Stacy… (Deep breathing).”

Stacy: “Oh God. Not again…”

She’s only saying that because she doesn’t know you love her yet. Show it to her now. Go, reveal the explosives!

Stacy: “Ahh! That’s… That’s…”

Idiot: “Stacy, I love you. We’ll be together. Together forever. Aren’t you happy too?” =D

SFX: Loud explosion and glass shattering.

Death

Congratulations! You’re together with Stacy.