So you want to be a Superhero? Well, you can't.

So you want a way to rise up, to get back at all the evil bullies who gave you wedgies in the past, to finally grab the attention of the girl you’ve had a crush on since you were eight, and as an added bonus, get a really cool nickname? So you want to be a Superhero? Well, you can’t. Being a Superhero isn’t as easy as it might seem, it isn’t all fun and games as you might think. But with my guidance, even you may have the chance of becoming a tiny fraction of what I am.

Super prerequisites

As much as you might whine and despise your life because of this fact, superpower is a must for superheroics. Let’s look at some of the possible ways to gain superpowers:

Be born with superpowers

This is the easiest form of gaining Superhero status. Sadly, however, this method is only available to the minority of the earthly population. To gain superpowers through this means you have to either have parents who have serious genetic defects that attribute to superpowers, or, like Superman, you must come from another planet.

This is what you'd be doing for the majority of your pre-Superhero life if you ever want to be a Superhero.

Gain superpowers

Superpowers can be gained even if you are not born with one. Gaining superpowers is the thing of the 21st century. By merely spending most of your life experimenting with chemicals and ingesting them daily, you are sure to gain superpowers one way or the other.

Fortunately for the majority of the population who thrives to be a Superhero, there are other alternatives to superheroics than risking your life to gain superpowers.

Gain divine powers

This involves bribing certain soon-to-be fallen angels to lend you their powers but is usually granted by coming back to life after dying.  But then again, this isn’t very reliable because it involves you dying first, and there is no guarantee you’ll be able to come back. Then again, it seems to be the most effective method of granting powers of certain death to the majority of the idiots.

Be a billionaire

Finally, the most realistic form of gaining Superhero status. This method is most accessible to the majority- becoming filthy rich. In order to become a Superhero through this method, you’d first have to inherit wealth from your murdered billionaire parents. However, although ‘murdered parents’ may well be in your league, ‘billionaire’ is probably out of your reach. On the bright side, there are many other ways to gain wealth. If your parents are billionaires, turn them into murdered parents. If your parents are not, then rob a bank. You are going to be a Superhero for the sake of the world. The bank would never mind making such a small sacrifice for a Superhero.

Damsel in distress

The thing that separates the proficient Superheroes from the sub-par posers: damsels in distress. But how exactly do you go about finding a damsel in the first place?

It is damsels such as her which makes a Superhero what he really is.

Finding your damsel

It is very important that you pick your damsel carefully as she’ll be the one who you will be stalking for pretty much most of your superheroic time. As a guideline, your damsel would have to be either married or currently in a relationship with another man, nothing else really matters. It is against your moral codes? Too bad, this is what it takes to be a Superhero. Superman and Spiderman has been there, done that. If you want to be anything like them, then you’d just have to suck it up.

Putting your damsel in distress

Yes, although finding your damsel might be within your capabilities, finding her in distress may not. You might have stalked her for years and found that she has never been distress. She pays careful attention not to walk into any dark alleys at night or flaunt her possessions in public, just like any citizen in the right mind would. But that isn’t very good for you; you are a Superhero! And you can’t be a Superhero without having to save a damsel. But you can easily fix that. With your superpowers, command thugs on the street to attack your damsel. Have your minions put your damsel in distress for you. This is what being a Superhero is all about.

You'd be facing plenty of such signs if you ever choose the nickname 'Invisibleman'.

Super nickname

Every Superhero needs a nickname, it is what gives them a super identity – the brand of justice. As a general rule, a Superhero nickname goes by the following formula: (noun/adjective)man. Superheroes by the likes of Superman, Batman and even Spiderman have come to be successful after following this formula.  However, the 21st century opens a wider possibility of nicknames. Unorthodox super nicknames such as ‘Ghostrider’ have proven to be fairly superheroic. Also, take note that whatever nickname you decide on, you’d have to have a matching costume, so it is not a very wise idea to choose nicknames such as ‘Invisibleman’

Making your name known

It is very important that you let your name be known. After spending countless hours thinking up your name, it is all useless if nobody gets to hear of it. This is usually done by nabbing bank robbers but that would not be very likely as, other than exceptional idiots such as yourself, nobody would rob a bank. However, despots like you have other alternatives. You can be the one robbing the bank. As ironic as it might sound, you have to do that to save the bank; by being known to the public, desperate idiots would think twice before they rob the bank.

"You are now a Superhero."

Near Future

Indeed, you may now be staring at the four walls of the prison cell, or being tortured in hell, but no matter what the situation, you must always remember that you are now (at least in your mind) a Superhero. Congratulations.