Funny Stories

So you want to be a Superhero? Well, you can't.

So you want a way to rise up, to get back at all the evil bullies who gave you wedgies in the past, to finally grab the attention of the girl you’ve had a crush on since you were eight, and as an added bonus, get a really cool nickname? So you want to be a Superhero? Well, you can’t. Being a Superhero isn’t as easy as it might seem, it isn’t all fun and games as you might think. But with my guidance, even you may have the chance of becoming a tiny fraction of what I am.

Super prerequisites

As much as you might whine and despise your life because of this fact, superpower is a must for superheroics. Let’s look at some of the possible ways to gain superpowers:

Be born with superpowers

This is the easiest form of gaining Superhero status. Sadly, however, this method is only available to the minority of the earthly population. To gain superpowers through this means you have to either have parents who have serious genetic defects that attribute to superpowers, or, like Superman, you must come from another planet.

This is what you'd be doing for the majority of your pre-Superhero life if you ever want to be a Superhero.

Gain superpowers

Superpowers can be gained even if you are not born with one. Gaining superpowers is the thing of the 21st century. By merely spending most of your life experimenting with chemicals and ingesting them daily, you are sure to gain superpowers one way or the other.

Fortunately for the majority of the population who thrives to be a Superhero, there are other alternatives to superheroics than risking your life to gain superpowers.

Gain divine powers

This involves bribing certain soon-to-be fallen angels to lend you their powers but is usually granted by coming back to life after dying.  But then again, this isn’t very reliable because it involves you dying first, and there is no guarantee you’ll be able to come back. Then again, it seems to be the most effective method of granting powers of certain death to the majority of the idiots.

Be a billionaire

Finally, the most realistic form of gaining Superhero status. This method is most accessible to the majority- becoming filthy rich. In order to become a Superhero through this method, you’d first have to inherit wealth from your murdered billionaire parents. However, although ‘murdered parents’ may well be in your league, ‘billionaire’ is probably out of your reach. On the bright side, there are many other ways to gain wealth. If your parents are billionaires, turn them into murdered parents. If your parents are not, then rob a bank. You are going to be a Superhero for the sake of the world. The bank would never mind making such a small sacrifice for a Superhero.

Damsel in distress

The thing that separates the proficient Superheroes from the sub-par posers: damsels in distress. But how exactly do you go about finding a damsel in the first place?

It is damsels such as her which makes a Superhero what he really is.

Finding your damsel

It is very important that you pick your damsel carefully as she’ll be the one who you will be stalking for pretty much most of your superheroic time. As a guideline, your damsel would have to be either married or currently in a relationship with another man, nothing else really matters. It is against your moral codes? Too bad, this is what it takes to be a Superhero. Superman and Spiderman has been there, done that. If you want to be anything like them, then you’d just have to suck it up.

Putting your damsel in distress

Yes, although finding your damsel might be within your capabilities, finding her in distress may not. You might have stalked her for years and found that she has never been distress. She pays careful attention not to walk into any dark alleys at night or flaunt her possessions in public, just like any citizen in the right mind would. But that isn’t very good for you; you are a Superhero! And you can’t be a Superhero without having to save a damsel. But you can easily fix that. With your superpowers, command thugs on the street to attack your damsel. Have your minions put your damsel in distress for you. This is what being a Superhero is all about.

You'd be facing plenty of such signs if you ever choose the nickname 'Invisibleman'.

Super nickname

Every Superhero needs a nickname, it is what gives them a super identity – the brand of justice. As a general rule, a Superhero nickname goes by the following formula: (noun/adjective)man. Superheroes by the likes of Superman, Batman and even Spiderman have come to be successful after following this formula.  However, the 21st century opens a wider possibility of nicknames. Unorthodox super nicknames such as ‘Ghostrider’ have proven to be fairly superheroic. Also, take note that whatever nickname you decide on, you’d have to have a matching costume, so it is not a very wise idea to choose nicknames such as ‘Invisibleman’

Making your name known

It is very important that you let your name be known. After spending countless hours thinking up your name, it is all useless if nobody gets to hear of it. This is usually done by nabbing bank robbers but that would not be very likely as, other than exceptional idiots such as yourself, nobody would rob a bank. However, despots like you have other alternatives. You can be the one robbing the bank. As ironic as it might sound, you have to do that to save the bank; by being known to the public, desperate idiots would think twice before they rob the bank.

"You are now a Superhero."

Near Future

Indeed, you may now be staring at the four walls of the prison cell, or being tortured in hell, but no matter what the situation, you must always remember that you are now (at least in your mind) a Superhero. Congratulations.

Hey Scrin, I haven’t seen you in a while so I thought I should write to, you know, ‘catch up’. Uhh… Yes, that’s it- I just wanted to catch up.

Amy looks so cool. Looked so cool.

Is your car gone?

Anyway, you know your car? Yeah, that red Merce you call Amy. Have you noticed that it has been, like, absent recently? It seems like it is no longer in your garage any more. You know, that’s interesting because I noticed it is missing too. I mean, this is so mysterious. It should be one of the 7 wonders of the world. Well, about that… You see, there has been this mix-up which resulted in your car being lost and I had a very small, minute part to play in it’s disappearance. Well, yeah, maybe it was kind of like partly my fault and stuff. Kind of.

I decided to borrow your car for a little while

I really didn’t mean for it to happen. My friends and I were out drinking when Dave thought: “Hey, let’s go, like, drink driving, man. That has got to be, like, cool.” We were just about to drop that thought because we didn’t have a car when I sort of suggested that we could borrow your car. I mean, we are such good buds’, aren’t we? So we went to your place and we wanted to ask you if we could borrow your car, but it was 2am in the morning and you were all asleep and stuff. In the end, we decided that we should just borrow it and tell you about it later.

Oh yeah, your garage door was faulty and we couldn’t open it. It was like it was locked or something. But don’t worry about that, we fixed that up real good for you. Well, it was kind of my idea to blow it up. But yeah, you don’t have to thank me for it. It’s all cool. Oh, and your car couldn’t make it’s way out of the door. The door was too narrow apparently. How do you get your car out of that place anyway? Well, you don’t have to worry about that any more, we fixed that too.

Look at how cool lions are. You know what would be even cooler? Yes, a lion in a car!

I decided to pick up a lion

Since your car is cool and all, I thought I should let a lion ride with us cool kids. I mean, having the king of the jungle ride in your car would give it so much more cool points. Well, we know you’d be too much of a coward to do it so we helped you bring the lion in. Since it is your car and all, I’ll let you brag about it in school. But only this once. Anyway, the lion was so cool. It was roaring and stuff, and it even tried to attack us. In fact, it sort of did attack us. It kind of pounced on Dave and it was even giving Dave love bites. Oh yeah, Dave told me not to tell anybody but after what he has done with the lion, I’m pretty sure it is okay to let the cat out of the bag- he is gay. Dave was laughing in happiness throughout the trip. Or was it screaming in agony… Hmm?

I drove your car off a cliff

Okay, don’t freak out when you read this. So yeah, I kind of drove your car off a cliff. They call it the cliff of no return, but look at us, we have returned. We have, like, defied the law of words. Hahaha! Haha! Hahahaha!!!

Jokes aside, it wasn’t really my fault I drove it off the cliff. You see, the lion kind of attacked me after it was done with Dave and my buds’ and I decided that the only way to get rid of the lion was to drive off the cliff. Call me a genius, but I did just that and it worked. We plunged vertically downwards and we kind of lost our consciousness somewhere during that time. But there is good news! I am alive right now. I know, it’s a blessing right?

When I woke up though, there were bones and blood everywhere and the lion was gone. Mysterious isn’t it? But not as mysterious as your car being missing as well. Anyway, the point is your car went missing somewhere between the time I lost consciousness and regained consciousness.

I set fire to your car

Come to think of it, maybe your car really wasn’t lost after all. I found your car somewhere in my vicinity and saw that it was covered in gasoline. Then I had like, the coolest idea. I mean, this was like a once in a lifetime opportunity- how often do you see so much flammable liquid in one place? Well, yeah, so I got out my lighter and decided to torch the whole piece of metal. Then I saw the most awesome fire in my life. It almost looked like a fire atop a car. That’s like so cool. You should try that some day.

So, yeah, actually it was kind of my fault that the one and only thing that made me envious of you is gone… Sorry about that, dude.

Yeah, so give me 10 dollars and we're even.

Remember the other time when you ate all my candy?

Well, I feel kind of guilty that I your car is gone and all, so I’d let you off the hook with eating all my candy the other time… Okay, maybe not- I’d give you this huge discount and let you off the hook if you just pay me 10 dollars. Ahh, shucks… Don’t mention it. What are friends for?

Notification of Engagement

Jeffrey Yiu
Husband of Mrs. Underwood
123 Forced Marriage Ave

4th May 06

Ms. Underwood
123 Forced Marriage Ave

Dear (to-be) Mrs Yiu,

I understand that you may not have been expecting this letter seeing that I have only seen you once in the club and we haven’t exactly talked to each other. And I don’t even know your first name.. And you haven’t had the chance to see me yet… But I am still happy to inform you that this letter is not a proposal. In fact, this letter’s purpose is to notify you that we are already engaged.

Indeed, your near perfect body played a huge role in our engagement. I’ve already rated the bodies in the club that night. Yours was definitely the top 10. Maybe even the top 2. But don’t get me wrong, it isn’t exactly your looks that enticed me- your face pulled your ranking down to the the 104th (there were only 93 girls in the club that night so I had to include the guys in that calculation).

I fell in love with you at first sight when we were in the club. You were on the counter, flirting gleefully with the gigolo you slept with the night before when I saw you. Ah, yes. The whole shelf of Martel you gracefully purchased for the sole purpose of getting the gigolo drunk made you look painfully attractive. I mean seriously, it is painful to be attracted to someone with your looks. Oh, I checked with the gigolo and he said your father owned a hotel. That earned you plenty of attraction points.

To tell you the truth, I would have brought you out on a few dates before announcing our engagement but my current wife recently became bankrupt and I have thus run out of dating grants. Nevertheless, this should not be an obstacle to our engagement based off true love.

Once again, I want you to understand that we are already engaged. However, I would still require you to sign some legal documents at my place so that you can’t back out of this in the future. Any time tomorrow between 4pm to 4:01pm would do fine. Of course, it is entirely up to you to decide whether or not to sign those documents. It shouldn’t be too hard to decide. After all, we both do own our own mirrors.

Yours Sincerely,

Jeffrey Yiu
Future Husband of Ms. Underwood

PS: If you are wondering where your parents are, they are staying with me indefinitely, patiently waiting for you to sign the documents at my place.

You’ve managed to live off your parents’ pay for most of your life. However, lately, it came to your attention that maybe free loading off your parents isn’t all to your life. Apparently when you’re 16, you finally realised you have a crush on Stacy, the hottest girl in school. Fear not, even you can get together with Stacy.

Step 1: Relax

You will need this if you ever want to get together with Stacy

This should be easy for any idiot to do, but no- not for you- you are a rarity. You are a special idiot. Now, that’s not a bad thing. Being as special as you are, you have a more efficient form of relaxing. All you have to do is carry out the ‘relaxing exercise’.

Don’t worry about the name of the exercise having too many syllables for you to pronounce, it is actually simpler than you can imagine (and that’s really simple). First of all, extend your right hand straight in front of you palm facing up, perpendicular to your body. Next, place an egg on your right hand. Lower your head until the egg is at eye level. Now bring the egg to your head as quickly as you can. Repeat with as many eggs as you can find. Maybe could use the ones from the garbage dump outside the supermarket as well.

You’re feeling all gooey and reek of rotten eggs now? That’s relaxation. Congratulations, you’re well on your way to getting together with Stacy.

Step 2: Don’t think about Stacy

This is the most important step to getting together with Stacy. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so the more you not think about her, the more you’ll like her. Forget that Stacy exists. Don’t talk to her in school, pretend she isn’t there when she walks past you in school. Stacy doesn’t seem to be affected? Perhaps Stacy is giving you the same treatment because she has a crush on you too. Yes, that’s it. You should go tell her that she has a crush on you. Stacy would be so excited to know that.

Step 3: Confront Stacy

Before you do anything, first do the ‘relaxing excercise’. It is very important that you do. Now go look for Stacy.

Hey look, that’s Stacy over there walking into the girl’s showers. Go bump into her to get her attention. Quick! Before she goes through the door.

Aw, you missed her. Now you’re stuck outside of the girl’s shower when Stacy is inside. Never mind that, since you came all this way to talk to her, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if you walked into the showers to say hi. After all, you’re bringing her good news letting her know that she has a crush on you. Go ahead, step into the showers.

Step 4: Tell Stacy the good news

Tell Stacy the good news. She'll be so touched that you came all the way here just to tell her.

You’re standing behind Stacy, she doesn’t know you’re there, idiot. Get her attention; say ‘hi’ just like how you would start a regular conversation.

Idiot: “Hi Stacy.”

Stacy: “Eeek!”

Hmm… She doesn’t look too happy to see you. Oh yeah, that’s right. She doesn’t know she has a crush on you yet. Tell her.

Idiot: “Stacy, I have good news!”

Stacy: “What are you doing here?!”

Idiot: “You have a crush on me! Isn’t that great?”

Stacy doesn’t look too pleased. Maybe this is too much information for her. You should give her some time to take in the good news.

Step 5: Impress Stacy

Apparently Stacy wasn’t too excited when she heard the good news. That’s just a minor setback. Show her your good side and she’ll surely come begging to get together with you.

See the prostitue over there? Yes, go pay her some $50 and come back to where Stacy is. Trust me. I’m with you remember?

Come on… At least get a prostitute that is straight. What’s with that transexual? -Sigh- I guess that’ll do. Go to the bench in the canteen where Stacy is sitting and flaunt your new girlfriend. Show her how popular you are with the ladies and she’ll be so impressed that she’ll be begging you to get together with her. Then you can tell her “You’ve had your chance. It’s too late now.” and watch as she scurries away crying.

What? She’s not paying attention to you? Well, maybe you should let her know you have a girlfriend now. Show her your prostitute.

Idiot: “Hey Stacy, guess what?”

What’s that asshole doing sitting intimately close to Stacy? You have to do something about it. And quick. Show her your girlfriend now.

Idiot: “Look Stacy, I have a girlfriend now. You don’t have a chance at me anymore. Aren’t you jealous?”

Asshole sitting intimately close to Stacy: “Hey Stacy, who is this?”

That asshole just stood up. Wow, he’s huge. Wait, that’s Mark, the captain of the football team! Oh, you’re in trouble now. It’s time to make a tactical retreat. Run! Run now. Leave your prostitute behind as a scapegoat. Put your $50 to use.

Step 6: Show Stacy you really love her

Tell her you love her

Stacy is only acting like that because she doesn’t know you love her yet. Show it to her. And what better way to do that than to grab explosives and hide it under your jacket. Don’t worry about the expenses. It is only a minor sacrfice to make to get together with Stacy. After all, if you couldn’t have Stacy, noone else should. It is only the mature thing to do. Put on your jacket. It’s time to do it.

This time, do the ‘relaxing excercise’ on Mark first. It will help ease his grumpiness so that you’ll avoid reliving the emberassing scene from before again. He looks even grumpier than before? I guess the ‘relaxing excercise’ doesn’t work on everyone. Make a run for it or all your effort would have been put to waste. No, not that way! Run towards Stacy.

There she is! Make sure you are clearly in her sight before you do anything.

Idiot: “Stacy… (Deep breathing).”

Stacy: “Oh God. Not again…”

She’s only saying that because she doesn’t know you love her yet. Show it to her now. Go, reveal the explosives!

Stacy: “Ahh! That’s… That’s…”

Idiot: “Stacy, I love you. We’ll be together. Together forever. Aren’t you happy too?” =D

SFX: Loud explosion and glass shattering.

Death

Congratulations! You’re together with Stacy.

Oops, I guess this tattooist messed up while tattooing the block of wood. No matter- this is a common occurence in tattooing.

It’s just like any other morning. You wake up, walk towards the sink to brush your teeth. Then, you look at the mirror and tell yourself “I need to mindlessly spend money to aggravate self inflicted pain by permanently scarring myself in the name of ‘art’. I need a tattoo.”

Surely your next reaction would be to drop that thought and carry on with your life, brushing your teeth. But wait! Have you ever considered the benefits of getting a tattoo? No? Well, you should. There are numerous reasons why you should spend that money to torture yourself rather than wasting it on lame meagre necessities like food.

Why get a tattoo?

Strengthen your vocal chords

First things first, although this might seem obvious, getting a tattoo strengthens your vocal chords. You’ll be screaming at the top of your lungs at all times during the tattooing process. It would be surprising if you didn’t become a good singer after getting a tattoo. Look at all the lead singers of world-class bands, they all have tattoos. Yes, now you know…

Ethicality

For the most part, tattooists are sadists. Honestly, tattooists are usually failed dentists who take up art so that they can still inflict pain on people in exchange for money. Tattooing is usually done by stabbing certain parts of the body with coloured humming pens to create pieces of art on people like yourself. Naturally, the stabbing element is completely unnecessary, but that’s where the ethical part comes in. By getting a tattoo, you are actually providing pleasure to the tattoo artist.

A second benefit is that by spending money on tattoos, you are not spending that extra money on a burger in McDonald’s. Hence seizing McDonald’s child labour funding. Therefore by getting a tattoo, you are able to clear your conscience knowing that you are doing good to the society.

Look cool

It is time to face the music- you are not fashionable, and you never will be. By the time you actually bother to get clothes to replace your old piece of cloth, ape-men would be wearing it to keep up with their trend. A tattoo however, eliminates the need to be fashionable. With a tattoo, you will no longer need clothes to show off to your friends how cool you think you are. Just walk around half-naked. (If policemen aren’t around, of course. But that’s irrelevant. We’re talking about tattoos, not getting into trouble with the law.)

Who knows? If you are lucky enough, you might even get permanent brain damage from excessive pain and this might actually allow you to be trendy.

Save lives

This point is often overlooked by many. For the benefit of people who lack general knowledge, tattooing comes with it the inconspicuous threat of skin cancer. By getting a tattoo, you are putting yourself in the position of a guinea pig for the thousands of people behind you who, too, want a tattoo. If by an off chance you die of skin cancer, everyone would realise the evils of tattooists and tattooing and decide not to get a tattoo, hence saving their lives. Not to mention, you’ll be worshipped as a hero who died for them!

Conclusion

With all the benefits of getting a tattoo, there is no reason for anyone to not get a tattoo. In fact, you should get a tattoo today! Fortunately, I know a cost-efficient, fool-proof way of getting a tattoo with no repercussions. No, this is not a voluntary tattoo TV show, nor is it a tattooist examination hall in jail. This is Dhism’s very own…

No, I’m not trying to cheat money from suckers such as yourself. I would never stoop so low.

That’s not my dentist uniform lying on the floor of my house either…

Wait, come back.

Damn.

Apple has reportedly announced plans to distribute their latest smart phone scam, the iPhone 9Z! In an official statement by Steve Jobs, founder of Apple: “We are proud to announce that the distribution of our latest money-making iPhone 9Z would commence as of Dec 12th 2409. We would like to thank our customers for our success- this would not have been made possible without you.”

Upon receiving this information, millions, no, billions of customers have started queueing up in front of Apple stores worldwide in hopes of becoming the first people to purchase the iPhone 400 years early! Ergo, practically proving that the iPhone 9Z has the power to make people willing to wait until death!

The confusion amidst the rage has already resulted in casualties reaching up to an estimated 100,000, with 9999 reported dead and 666 reported missing! Excessive screaming of ‘OH-EMM-GEE!’ by people who want only to be known as High School Girls has even lead to the extinction of mosquitoes!

Unfortunately, the government has yet come up with a plan to put an end to such atrocities.

This is no longer an ordinary disaster, it is now a level 100 APPLE DISASTER!!!

Ordinary Apple Disaster

Level 100 APPLE DISASTER!!!

PS. Get your iPhone 9Z today!

The happy kid is well on his way to O-Level.

The O-Level (Ordinary Level) is an academic qualification taken up by 16 year old Singaporeans in secondary schools with ‘ordinary’ intelligence. The qualification is the way to get a job, hence setting it’s proud owner up for a life of infamy and surreal mockery. All because of O-Levels.

What do you do in an O-Level?

Really, you can do anything as you please in an O-Level. Once you sets his mind to seek second-class employment, a whole new, adventurous world of learning is open. O-Level is a perfect venue for people who have no aspirations as it offers subjects that assists you in your future unemployment in every way possible.

When you’ve started O-Level, you will be made to attend some class in school. This might sound menacing to some, but do not fret. Lessons do not take up the entire day. They take up the entire night as well. And what more? Your friends would be enjoying the same fate too!

This set-up gives you ample time to hang out with bad company, take up smoking and at least 12 hours worth of opportunity to cut classes. Unfortunately, you are legally required to pursue education at this level, so it is a must to show up for attendance taking before you start hanging out with your nice friends with tattoos offering you white pills in the arcade.

You will also be forced to take examinations to assess your O-Level, hence the overnight studying before the examination day. But it’s not at all bad news! Most of your friends will be too busy studying to realise you are a nerd at all.

How do you apply for O-Level?

O-Level is merely a simple task of being Singaporean. If you are a Singaporean and are at the age of 16, you will automatically be allowed to take O-Level or be sent to jail. O-Level is a qualification available to everyone, not just the elite.

All you need are straight A’s and an additional requirement of getting above 100% for any one subject- a simple task indeed. More importantly, you would need a desire to learn (which you can easily fake). After you’ve managed the above mentioned tasks, then you’re well on your way to O-Level.

He has gone through O-Level. Have you?

Where are my options after undergoing O-Level?

There is only two options available for students after going through O-Level:

Secondary School

After finishing school at 16 years old, it is a standard tradition to celebrate by burning your textbooks as well as the school; a well-deserved, well-planned, farewell bid to one of the most important periods of your life.

But alas! You might have to repeat secondary school again for doing too badly for your examinations. Although a rare occurrence, it is nevertheless possible that people such as yourself would do so badly that they’ll have to retain in secondary school. You’ll get to pay another hundred dollars for your textbooks and serve a year’s detention for committing a minor act of vandalism. Fortunately, all the little kids will look up to you because you have endured O-Level.

"Kid, I have O-Level"

After Secondary School

If you managed to successfully complete O-Level before retaining in secondary school for three years, then you are all set for employment. With that piece of paper you’ll be able to impress your friends, teachers and members of the opposite sex. With O-Level, you will be able to find employment in underground places that you otherwise wouldn’t without O-Level. Bad company will then become good company when they offer you jobs in the form of prostitution and drug dealers.

So when you’re old and your grandchild asks you “Grandpa, why are you always wearing that black and white horizontally striped-T when I come all the way here to visit you in this enclosed cell with security guards watching over us at all times?”, you can proudly answer “Kid, I have O-Level.”